IQ: I love this movie. I wish it was longer.
IQ: This movie. Roger Ebert began his four-star review with I think you have to see Charlie Kaufman's "Synecdoche, New York" twice, and a year later declared it the best film of the decade. I’ve watched it many times, and have labored over this transcript because I felt it was deserving of such attention to detail, and because the scrutiny was frequently entertaining, enlightening, and rewarding. Lemme know if I need to fix any thing.
White Arial Regular with Horizontal Scale: 81.2%:
SONY PICTURES CLASSICS
Olive (4 years old): There’s a plaace I long to be, a certain town that’s dear t’me, home to Mohawks an’ Gee-Ee it’s called Schenectady. I was born there an’ I’ll die there my first home I hope to buy th’ have a kid or at least try there sweet Schenectady. An’ when I’m burieed, annd I’m dead, upstate worms will eat my head. For every person tha’you know once you’ll say good-bye and go, think you’ll see them soon then no, you won’t see them again. But there’s always a last time that you’ll see every one. There’s always a never again.
Emerson® CK5029: [Text.]
7:44
7:45
Radio Voice: ...forty-five on this beautiful almost balmy twenty-second of September in Schenectedy, and it’s the first day of fall. So in honor of that fact, we have Elke Putzkamer, professor of literature at Union College to talk about autumn in poetry an’ literature. Good morning professor.
Elke Putzkamer: Hi Alex.
Radio Voice: So, what about it. Why do so many people write about the fall?
Elke Putzkamer: Well I think it’s seen as the beginning of the end, really. If the years are life then September the beginning of fall is when the bloom is off the rose an’ things start to die. It’s a melancholy month an’ maybe because of that, quite beautiful.
Radio Voice: Is there some thing you might read to us?
IQ: The following is Autumn Day from Stephen Mitchell’s The Selected Poetry of Rainer Maria Rilke.
Elke Putzkamer: Oah I’d love to. Who ever has no house now will never have one. Who ever is alone will stay alone, will sit, read, write long letters through the evening, an’ wander the boulevards up an’ down, restlessly, while the dry leaves are blowing.
Radio Voice: Goodness ’at’s harsh isn’ it.
Elke Putzkamer: Well perhaps. But truthful.
Olive (4 years old): Mommyy! Done!
Radio Voice: Happy fall Schenectady.
Adele Lack: Okay!
Radio Voice: Oh I see here on the [?] calendar that the...
Caden Cotard: Morning.
Adele Lack: Morning. I tried not to wake you.
Caden Cotard: Nah thanks I–you didn’t I just ah couldn’ get up.
Radio Voice: Let’s see in national news..
Adele Lack: Caden can you get that?
Caden Cotard: It’s Maria I don’ wan’o.
Adele Lack: Ough. Caden! Oh.
Maria: Hey, it’s me.
Adele Lack: That’s weird.
Maria: Where are you?
Olive (4 years old): Mommy is something wrong with my poop?
Adele Lack: Uh, no honey it’s just green.
Maria: I’ll try you on your cell.
Adele Lack: You prob’ly ate something green.
Olive (4 years old): I didn’ what’s wrong with me.
Adele Lack: Uh I have to get that Olive. You’re gonna be fine okay.
Olive (4 years old): But Mommyy.
Adele Lack: Yeah I’ll be right back Olive. Oh, nothing just, wiping Olive’s ass, you?
Radio Voice: October Eighth an earthquake in Kashmir registering—
Adele Lack: Oh you’re kidding! Holy fuck! Haha!
Radio Voice: —point-seven on the Richter scale has killed an estimated seventy-three thousand people—
Caden Cotard: Don’ feel well.
Radio Voice: —in Pakistan..
Adele Lack: Aoh my goodness.
Yellow Mailbox: [Text.] 9435
Magazine Cover: [Text.]
Attending to
Your Illness
NEW TREATMENTS ARE
OFFERING NEW HOPE
FIND OUT HOW CUTTING EDGE TECHNOLOGY
IS MORE ACCESSIBLE THAN YOU THINK
[?]lness.com
BXNHWGZ FIRM CAR T C-096
000521831 A3RTB BG0001 BN0006
Mr. Caden Cotard
9435 Kenneth St.
Schenectady, NY 12305
Magazine Cover (back): [Text.]
FACE CHEMOTHERAPY WITH
FLUOROSTATIN TR©
FLUOROSTATIN TR
Framed Item: [Text.]
BACCHAI
Caden Cotard
Radio Voice: March in Washington Dee-Cee today, October Fifteenth, commemorating the anniversary of the..
Newspaper: [Text.]
THE
SCHENECTADIAN
THE LOCALS SOURCE FOR LOCAL NEWS
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2005
Harold Pinter at 76, a Sense of Validation
By Thomas Costello
IQ: And more words I don’t feel like typing.
Caden Cotard: H-Harold Pinter died.
Adele Lack: Wow, well, he’s old, right?
Caden Cotard: No wait, he won the Nobel Prize.
Olive (4 years old): Mom.!
Adele Lack: Whaat honey?
Olive (4 years old): Do you need to come look at my poop again?!
Caden Cotard: You sure it’s alright?
Adele Lack: It’s fiine, Olive, just, just flush.
Olive (4 years old): What if it’s alive? What if I kill it? It’s green! Like plants!
Adele Lack: It’s not alive, honey.
Caden Cotard: Ad, remember—
Olive (4 years old): Every thing’s alive.
Caden Cotard: —the production of The Dumbwaiter I did at Albanyfest?
Radio Voice: –hundred sixty wounded..
Adele Lack: I have your oatmeal honey.
Radio Voice: –opposition, supporters, and police.
Olive (4 years old): I want pea’ut but’er and j-ellyy.
Adele Lack: It’s oatmeal, this isn’t a restaurant.
Olive (4 years old): I, don’t, want, oatmeal.
Adele Lack: Okay fine.
Olive (4 years old): Mommy I’m sorry.
Caden Cotard: They found Avian flu in Turkey. Ih-in the country Turkey not turkeys. It’s in chickens.
Olive (4 years old): Can I watch Tee-Vee till school?
Caden Cotard: Yeah.
TV: [Text.] MR. VIRUS
Cow: There is a secret some thing at play under the surface growing like an invisible virus of thought. But you’re being changed by ’t, second by second
Milk Carton: [Text.]
PIRES OCT 20
pen
MILK
PUSH UP
HERE
TV: [Text.]
MR. VIRUS
is a teeny tiny
agent, made of
nucleic acid, that
invades living cells
and uses their
energy to make
copies of himself.
He can make people
very, very sick.
Caden Cotard: Milk’s expired.
Cookie Package: [Text.] Lady Stella
Adele Lack: Okay.
TV: [Text.]
MR. VIRUS
head
neck
tail sheath
end plate
tails
Caden Cotard: Jesus.
Clock: [Text.]
Time will tell ~
wear SUNDIAL SHOES
GILBERT
MADE IN U.S.A.
Adele Lack: You better eat this.
Cow: Mooo.
Olive (4 years old): I will.
Caden Cotard: Yeahh.
Radio Voice: with progressive dementia.
Cow: Howw did I guess you’d ask me that question.
Cow: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha..
Radio Voice: Haha, happy Halloween Schenectady.
Cow: [Um] so Melbou’ne. An’—
Radio Voice: Safely.
Cow: —an’ how long have you been in New York for.
Caden Cotard: Th-The first black graduate of the University o’Alabama died. Vivian Malone Jones.
Newspaper: [Text.]
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2005
Vivian Malone Jones
One of the most important figures in the Civil
Rights movement, the first black graduate from
University of Alabama, has passed away.
By SCOTT SPAHR
Incorporated Press
ATLANTA - Vivian Malone
Jones, one of the first two black
students whose effort to enroll at
the University of Alabama led to
George Wallace’s infamous
“stand in the schoolhouse door”
Jaffke, Jacob
SCHENECTADY -
Scarpitta, an artist w
ranged from three-d
wrapped canvases t
survival and death to
renderings of cars an
extolled his belief in
metaphor for life, di
day at his home in
Radio Voice: —moons were discovered today, November First—
Caden Cotard: Stroke.
Radio Voice: —the name Nix ’d Hydra.
Caden Cotard: Sixty-three.
Caden Cotard: AOW! ’UCK. AH GOD AH SOME BODY! ADELLE HELP!!
Adele Lack: Jesus, Caden, what the fuck?!
Caden Cotard: I was shaving and tha’ thing flew off!
Adele Lack: Oh my God! Jesus! Look at your head! Oh shit! Oh god I can’t turn it. Oh wait.
Olive (4 years old): Mommy, Daddy has blooood.
Adele Lack: Yeah..
Caden Cotard: Will there be a scar?
Emergency Room Doctor: Proba’ly it looks like a mud flap.
Caden Cotard: I’d prefer there not be a scar.
Emergency Room Doctor: Hyeh.
Like Clockwork Patient: UHHhhhh.
Nurse: Hold still.
Emergency Room Doctor: That fellow’s annoying. He’s in here every week. Like clockwork.
Like Clockwork Patient: HUHHhhh.
Emergency Room Doctor: There. I think that shoulduh.. let’s see.
Nurse: It’d be a lot easier if you’d hold still.
Caden Cotard: What?
Like Clockwork Patient: HYUHhh.
Emergency Room Doctor: Change in bowel movements?
Caden Cotard: It’s.. little more yellow than usual what?
Nurse: Uhh is—
Emergency Room Doctor: Yeah. I’d like you to see an ophthalmologist.
Like Clockwork Patient: Ahhhhhh.
Caden Cotard: A neurologist?
Emergency Room Doctor: What, no. An ophthalmologist. I said ophthalmologist. Do you hear that.
Caden Cotard: Yeah.
Olive (4 years old): An’ today is Tuesday. Mommy is today Tuesday?
Radio Voice: Celebration tonight—
Adele Lack: No honey today’s Friday. So what exactly did he say?
Radio Voice: —were held in Times Square take part as we turn to—
Caden Cotard: That my pupils weren’t..
Radio Voice: —remembered watching—
Caden Cotard: ..properly uh. opening and closing.
Adele Lack: Dilating.
Radio Voice: —and his show—
Caden Cotard: No.
Radio Voice: —at least has been—
Adele Lack: Yeah.
Radio Voice: —obviously been recovering—
Caden Cotard: I-I don’t think that’s what he said.
Adele Lack: Yes
Radio Voice: —last year on the show but he’s going to—
Caden Cotard: That’s not what he said.
Adele Lack: The bump to your head?
Caden Cotard: He doesn’ know, maybe. I mean he said he doesn’t t’ink so, but maybe. But he doesn’know. But maybe, who knows.
Adele Lack: Okay Jesus Caden, I got it. He doesn’know.
Caden Cotard: Sorry. I’m a little anxious.
Olive (4 years old): Did you have to get a shot Daddy?
Caden Cotard: No honey. It’s the start of something awful.
Olive (4 years old): Do I have to get a shhot?
Caden Cotard: Course not.
Olive (4 years old): Did you tell him I have grween poop?
Caden Cotard: It’s just. fucked timing.
Adele Lack: I need to call the plumber. Heyy.
Caden Cotard: Sorry. I have rehearsal. Ffuck.!
Adele Lack: Hey, come on.!
Caden Cotard: Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Every body, sorry.
Olive (4 years old): How many years until I have to get more shots?
Adele Lack: Not for.. really long time, babe.
Olive (4 years old): A mill-ion years?
Adele Lack: Remember what Dr. Woodman said—
Olive (4 years old): Dad, what’s a plumber?
Adele Lack: —last time you got a vaccination.
Caden Cotard: Um he’s a he’s a man who—
Adele Lack: Or a woman, Dad.
Caden Cotard: Right. He’s a man or a woman who fixes uh sinks an’-and toilets and um... and d’-do you know what pipes are?
Olive (4 years old): Noo.
Caden Cotard: Hey, Jim. I had an accident.
Olive (4 years old): Like to smoke out of?
Caden Cotard: Different kind of pipe honey. ’ight bye. Houses have pipes. And they’re uh, they’re made o’ um they’re like tubes an’ uh they’re behind walls and under the floors an’ every where and um.
Adele Lack: What’sa matter baby?
Olive (4 years old): Every single where?
Caden Cotard: It’s okay honey. They just carry water uh to and from sinks an’ toilets, ’s like in your body, you have veins..
Adele Lack: Capillaries.
Caden Cotard: Capillaries, filled with blood.
Olive (4 years old): I have blood. I don’ want blood. I don’ want blood.
Adele Lack: Jesus what are you doing?
Olive (4 years old): I don’t want blood.
Caden Cotard: I’m just trying to explain plumbing.
Olive (4 years old): I don’t want blood.
Adele Lack: Well stop.!
Olive (4 years old): I don’t want blood.
Caden Cotard: God I can’t do this now.
Olive (4 years old): I don’t want blood!
Adele Lack: You don’t have to worry honey you don’t have blood.
Olive (4 years old): I don’t want blood!
Caden Cotard: Y’ow I don’t think you should tell her she doesn’t have blood.
Olive (4 years old): I don’t wannn’..
Adele Lack: Caden, stop it!
Olive (4 years old): I don’ wan’ blood!
Eye Chart: [Text.]
D F N
P T X Z
U Z D T F
D F N P T H
[and so on]
IQ: Dee, Ef, En, Pee, Tee, Ex, Zee, U, Zee, Dee, Tee, Ef, Dee, Ef, En, Pee, Tee, Aitch, umm.. Pee, Em, U, Ar, Wye maybe, Dee, um.. I? Em, Ef, I don’know I’m watchin’ this Dee-Vee-Dee on a Cars Tee-Vee.
Calendar: [Text.]
MARCH
2006
Caden Cotard: Thanks for gettin’ me in right away. Now is it the bump to the head?
Ophthalmologist: No. Could be. But I think we need to get you to a neurologist.
Caden Cotard: Neurologist?
Ophthalmologist: The brain expert.
Caden Cotard: Ah, I know what a neurologist is.
Ophthalmologist: Fine I just thought from the way you asked.
Caden Cotard: I just thought you said urologist. Y’why do I-uh need to see a neurologist?
Ophthalmologist: It’s for a look-see. The eyes are part o’the brain after all.
Caden Cotard: Nah that’s not true is it?
Ophthalmologist: Why would I say it if it weren’t true?
Caden Cotard: I.. doe’t seem right.
Ophthalmologist: Like morally correct or right as in accurate?
Caden Cotard: I don’know. Accurate. I guess.
Ophthalmologist: Hm. Int’resting.
IQ: I think what’s next is the film’s first explicit instance of actors playing actors.
Tom (as Willy): Now when ya kick off boy I wan’ a seventy-yard boot, an’ get right down the field under the ball. An’ when you hit, hit low an’ hit hard because it’s impor’ant boy. There’s all kinds of impor’ant people in the stands. An’ the first thing ya know. Ben.! Ben where do I. Ben howw do I.
Claire Keen (as Linda): Willy you comin’ up?
Tom (as Willy): Shsssssh!!
Claire Keen (as Linda): Willy?! Willy answer me! Willy! Nnno! Ah!
Caden Cotard: Ah crap. Claire are you okay? What’s happening here? It’s too late in the gaame to have these problems.
David: I-I kn- I know Caden I’m sorry w-we’ll get it.
Claire Keen: Ohh my god.
Caden Cotard: Are you okay?
Claire Keen: Yeah yeah I think the-the wig ha ha, haha—
Caden Cotard: Ha ha ha.
Claire Keen: —saved my life.
Caden Cotard: Yeah.
Claire Keen: It’s okay honestly.
Caden Cotard: Tha’ was good Tom.
Tom: Yeah?
Caden Cotard: Yeah.
Tom: I was trying something diff’rent I was.. crashing differently. Ambivalently.
Caden Cotard: Yeah I saw that. I like it. Um... Try to keep in mind that a young person playing Willy Loman thinks.. he’s only pretending to be at the end of a life full of despair. But the tragedy is that we know that you the young actor, will end up in this very place of desolation.
Tom: Okay.
Caden Cotard: Uh, that’s great. Let’s try it again, how long David?
David: I-I think fifteen.
Claire Keen: Any thing?
Caden Cotard: Uh. Mm.
Claire Keen: S’ now what.
Hazel: Hey.
Caden Cotard: Hey. In search of elusive signal.
Hazel: The signal’s good here, oddly.
Caden Cotard: Heh that is odd, heh.
Hazel: I know, cell phones they’re crazy.
Caden Cotard: See ya in a few.
Hazel: Yep.
Caden Cotard: Hmhm.
Yeah, Dr. Heshborg said I should see Dr. Scariano. My pupils don’t work.
Caden Cotard: I think I have blood in my stool.
Adele Lack: That stool in your office?
Adele Lack: When I was pregnant with Olive...
Madeleine Gravis: What was it like?
Adele Lack: I don’know hopeful or some thing. Like some thing was gonna change.
Madeleine Gravis: Yes some thing did, no?
Caden Cotard: Yeah.
Adele Lack: Yeah, of course.
Caden Cotard: I mean big time.
Adele Lack: I mean maybe not as much as I’d hope. I’m sorry that’s a terrible thing to say.
Madeleine Gravis: There are no terrible things to say in here. Only true an’ false.
Adele Lack: Can I say some thing awful?
Madeleine Gravis: Yes please do.
Adele Lack: I’ve fantasized about Caden dying. Being able to start again, guilt free. I know that’s. that’s baad.
Madeleine Gravis: Caden does that feel terrible?
Caden Cotard: Yeah.
Madeleine Gravis: Okay, good.
IQ: Birds saying things to each other.
Caden Cotard: It’s a nightmare in there.
Hazel: Sorry. So I-I’m reading The Trial.
Caden Cotard: Yeah?
Hazel: Yeah.
Caden Cotard: You like?
Hazel: Love. I’m.. such an idiot for not knowing about this book. It’s famous as it turns out.
Caden Cotard: Ha ha. You’re not an idiot.
Hazel: Then, you say.. In fact Hazel, you’re very bright, an’ I love your eyes.
Caden Cotard: In fact Hazel you’re very bright.
Hazel: Oh am I?
Caden Cotard: Hehh! An’ I love your eye.
Hazel: Do you? You darling.
Caden Cotard: Then wha’do I say?
Hazel: I can’t say what then you say.
Caden Cotard: Whyy?
Hazel: ’Cause it’s dirty.
Caden Cotard: C’you d’you, c’you step out for a second.
Plumber: G’ahead. I’ve seen boy parts.
Caden Cotard: Ca’ I take a piss in your sink?
Adele Lack: H’ sure, I guess.
Caden Cotard: We sold out.
Adele Lack: Great.
Caden Cotard: Mm gorgeous.
Adele Lack: Thanks. How ’s rehearsal?
Caden Cotard: Awful.
Adele Lack: O, heh.
Caden Cotard: We have uh five hundred an’ sixty lighting cues. I don’know why I made it so complicated.
Adele Lack: Well that’s what you do.
Caden Cotard: Yeah. We got through it though. That’s really pretty.
Adele Lack: Caden I’m sorry, I. I jus’ I can’t come tonight I’m sorry, I have two canvases I have to get ready to ship, for tomorrow, I just, I know it sucks.
IQ: Paintings by Alex Kanevsky.
Caden Cotard: It’s opening night.
Adele Lack: I know. I wish I could come. I would if I could.
Caden Cotard: I ’ave gotta get ready.
Adele Lack: Tomorrow’ll be like the premi—
Caden Cotard: I-I-I have to get ready I don’know what I’m gonna wear. I’ll ’ave to figure out what I’m gonna wear.
Sign: [Text.]
NO
DRINKING
EATING
SMOKING
Playbill: [Text.] SHOW NOTES
Tom (as Willy): Ohhh boy, boy oh boy.
Claire Keen (as Linda): Willy.?
Tom (as Willy): It’s alright I came back.
Claire Keen: Ohhh.. hated myself tonight.
Caden Cotard: Hm.!
Claire Keen: Plus I’m so, ’scuse me—
Caden Cotard: Hey Tom.
Claire Keen: —so bloated an’ enormous.
Caden Cotard: Naw nah you look good, you were great, w’ very pleased.
Claire Keen: You okay?
Caden Cotard: Sorry, a little, bit of a headache.
[?]: Willy Loman!
Caden Cotard: Ah.
Claire Keen: I just wanted to say thank you for every thing, you’ve been absolutely brilliant. It’s gonna be miserable going ahead without you hehm.!
Caden Cotard: I’ll be arounn’ I’ll check in.
Claire Keen: I’m such a baby. Okay, I’m gonna go get drunk that’s what.
Caden Cotard: Okay haha, Claire, mm, sweetheart. Ahhh. G-Good job.
Claire Keen: Oh don’t worry I’ll get better.
Caden Cotard: Ah, good work.
Claire Keen: Don’t worry it’ll get better.
Caden Cotard: Mm.
Hazel: Heyy.
Caden Cotard: Oh.
Hazel: I uh I figured I’d better get in fast.
Caden Cotard: Heyy! D’ya wanna d’ya wanna—
Hazel: Yeah.
Caden Cotard: —sit?
Hazel: Yeah. Where’s uh el wife-o?
Caden Cotard: Haad t’ work. Uh her show in Berlin is in two weeks. We’re gonna go there for like a month.
Hazel: Why do I like you so much?
Caden Cotard: I couldn’t begin to guess.
Hazel: M’neither. Do you get high my friend?
Caden Cotard: Y’know, some times.
Hazel: D’ya wanna now? With me, in my car.
Caden Cotard: I-I get kind of uh.. some thing when I’m stoned.
Hazel: What does some thing mean?
Caden Cotard: Hm.!.. ya know... bothered..
Hazel: What doe’ bothered mean?
Caden Cotard: You knoww.!.. Bothered... horny.
Hazel: Oh mmm.
Caden Cotard: Ha ha!
Hazel: An’ me with a station wagon an’ all, could be dangerous.
Caden Cotard: Yeahh could be.
Hazel: You’re absolutely zero fun.
Caden Cotard: Hm.
Caden Cotard: When are the reviews gonna get here?
Claire Keen: Don’know. Hmm..
Clock: [Text. Clockwise from top.]
12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Maria: His best friend’s finger. Two babies, and one this big one this big, and two kittens.
Caden Cotard: Hey.
Maria: Hey Caden. How’d it go?
Caden Cotard: Hi.
Adele Lack: Hii.
Caden Cotard: ’s late.
Adele Lack: Maria came over keep me company ’cause um we jus’ lost track. We got every thing done. I’m sorry I missed-missed your play I’m sorry. But uh-how’d it go?
Caden Cotard: Great. We’re a hit. Reviews are great. Times said it was brilliant casting young people as Willy an’ Linda.
Adele Lack: Ah! Great.!
Maria: That’s great, Caden, gooood for youuu.
Adele Lack: That’s, I can’t wait to see it tomorrow, that’s g’– uh tonight haha.
Maria: Hm!. Hmm.
Adele Lack: That’s great.
Maria: W’ it’s really late. Early. Early.! Hehe. It’s late. Hey I would love to see it too.
Adele Lack: Can we get Maria a ticket?
Caden Cotard: You’re stoned.
Adele Lack: Heuh, I mean a little, d’ya know. I don’know. But, are you happy with it?
Caden Cotard: Yeah!. I-I’d love for you t’s’ to know what you think.
Adele Lack: Well ’t doesn’t matter what I think.
Maria: Absolutely. It’s all about your.. artistic satisfaction Caden.
Adele Lack: T’, ehh.
Caden Cotard: Hmm, ehm, eh.
Adele Lack: Congratulations.
Caden Cotard: Yeah.
Yard Sign: [Text.]
SCHENECTADY
SUN REALTY
FOR SALE
Hazel: Ah.! I’ve always loved this house.
Burning House Realtor: Yes it’s a wonderful place.
Hazel: The truth is I-I never really imagined I could afford it.
Burning House Realtor: The sellers are very motivated now.
Hazel: It’s a scary decision. I, I never thought I’d buy a house alone. But y’know I’m thirty-six, an’ I, I wonder what it is I’m waiting for.
Burning House Realtor: Home-buying is always scary heh.
Hazel: An’ with the fire an’ all especially.
Burning House Realtor: Well it’s a good size though twenty-two hundred square feet not including the partially finished basement.
Hazel: Oh I don’know. I’m thinking I should go.
Burning House Realtor: It is a perfect size for some one alone.
Hazel: I like it I-I do I’m, I’m just really concerned about dying in the fire.
Burning House Realtor: It’s a big decision how one prefers t’ die. Would you like to meet my son? Derek! Derek’s living in the basement since his divorce if that’s okay.
Derek: Hey Mom.
Davis (as Biff): Let’s go Mom.
Claire Keen (as Linda): I wanna, just a, minute. I nevah. Fahgive me dear I.. I can’t cry. Don’t know what it is but I can’t cry. Oh.! It seems to me that you’re just on an otha trip. I keep expecting you. Why did you do it? I search an’ I search an’ I can’ understand it. I made the last payment.. on the house t’day. We’re free an’ cleah.. We’re free.. We’re freee..!
[Audience Man 1]: Bravo.
[Audience Man 2]: Well done!
[Audience Man 3]: Yes!
[Audience Woman]: Bravo!
Adele Lack: Well done, ’t was.. very successful.
Caden’s Mother: Do you think he’s happy?
Maria: Oh, I thought it was wonderful!
Caden’s Father: Why did the older people look so young?
Caden Cotard: It was a choice Dad. I’ll explain later.
Caden’s Father: Oh it’s a choice.
Adele Lack: I can’t get excited about your restaging some one else’s old play. Just there’s nothing personal in it.
Caden Cotard: People are responding in the theater, crying.
Adele Lack: Great, be a fuckin’ tool of suburban blue-haired regional theater subscribers.
Caden’s Father: You didn’ think it was long?
Caden’s Mother: No I did not.
Adele Lack: But what are what are you leaving behind? You act as if you have for ever to figure it out.
Jackal: When you are dead there’s no time. The world is a timeless rock.
Adele Lack: I don’know I slept maybe three hours so, we’re both tired. No I cuddled with Olive all night it was grea’.
Caden Cotard: Are you a big fan of shepherd’s pie?
Jackal: No, shepherds more y’ow hm than the pie..
Caden Cotard: Morning. Morning.
[?]: —where you come from—
Adele Lack: Morning Caden.
[?]: Actually it’s nicer—
Caden Cotard: Think I might have arthritis.
Adele Lack: Heheh. Friends on fire. Ha..
[?]: Excellent, that’s very nice.
Red Wagon: [Text.] radi-cotard
Plywood Sign: [Text.] corral
Adele Lack: I’m going to. No I know exactly. Okay heh I will. I’ll call you later. I know, you’re right, bye.
Newspaper: [Text.]
THE
SCHENECTADIAN
THE LOCALS SOURCE FOR LOCAL NEWS
MAY 25, 2006
IQ: More text I don’t wanna type.
Newspaper: [Text.] OBITUARIES
Caden Cotard: My joints are stiff. Who w’s ’at?
Adele Lack: M’ria.
Caden Cotard: Right. Three hours since you spoke.
Adele Lack: Caden I think I wanna go to Berlin with just Olive. I think it would be good for us.
Caden Cotard: Ah Christ.
Caden’s Father: Morning kiddos.
Caden Cotard: Why don’t why don’ you wan’ me to go?
Adele Lack: You know I just think it would be a good thing for the two of us to do. Alone.
Caden Cotard: How do you think I’m supposed to respond to some thing like that.
Caden Cotard: Wan’me zip your coat up?
Olive (4 years old): Yeah. What’s wrong with your face Daddy?
Caden Cotard: Uh. It’s pustules. ’s called.. sycosis. Spelled differently than psychosis, but, it sounds the same.
Olive (4 years old): I don’know what that means.
Caden Cotard: Uh, course not uh well there’re two kinds of sīˈkōsəs. They’re spelled differently. Pee-ess-wye is like if you’re crazy, like Mama, y’ow ess-wye is like these ugly things on my face.
Olive (4 years old): You c’ have both though.
Caden Cotard: I coulld but I don’t.
Caden Cotard: Can I ask you somethin’ Ad. Have I disappointed you some how?
Adele Lack: I don’know what I’m doin we’re juss’ spending a little time apart. We’ll talk when I get back, okay. Ev’ry one is disappoin’ing eh the more you know some one, it just, this whole romantic love thing it’s just projection any way right? I-I don’know. I’m sorry I’m sorry. I love yo-. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’know. We’ll talk when I get back. Okay.?
Announcer: Fluorostatin Tee-Ar allows you to live life, when it’s your turn to face the challenges of chemotherapy.
IQ: Tooth-brush sounds like in the Kaufman-Kaufman film Adaptation..
Announcer: Ask your doctor if Fluorostatin Tee-Ar is right for you.
[?]: An’ they’re in Palooka an’ I’m on the first train out of Palookaville.
[?]: But dah—
[?]: —the Miracle Brush you can scour any thing from bottles to mouth—
[?]: Rise an’ shine. Wow—
[?]: Lift those legs. One—
Jazz Singer: There’s no real way of coping when your parachute won’t open you’re falling dowwn, you’re going down, you fell, then you diiied, maybe some one criiied but not your one-time bri-iii-iiide.
Caden Cotard: I’m lonely.
Madeleine Gravis: Yesss. Any thing else?
Caden Cotard: I’m hurt.
Madeleine Gravis: Yess. And?
Caden Cotard: I think Adele’s right when she says I’m ’ot doing a’y thing real.
Madeleine Gravis: What would be real?
Caden Cotard: I’m afraid I’m gonna die. I don’know what’s wrong with me an’, an’ I wanna do some thing impor’ant while I’m still here.
Madeleine Gravis: Now would be the time to do it yes. I have a book that might help you get better.
Caden Cotard: Better?
Madeleine Gravis: It’s called.. Getting Better.
Caden Cotard: Who wrote it?
Madeleine Gravis: I did. All of these.
Caden Cotard: All. I never knew that.
Madeleine Gravis: Yes. Wow wow in deed, Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Book Cover: [Text.]
GETTING
BETTER
THE SACRED ENERGY IN ALL LIFE FORMS
TRANSFORMATION
APPRECIATION
LOVE
AND YOU.
Dr.Madeline
GRAVIS
Madeleine Gravis: Conclusion, cats eat rats, within his own plumbing, me who am as a raw nerve, doubt, or synthetic, vaginal juices, ’stantial crease. That’s forty-five dollars.
Getting Better: [Text.]
IQ: I don’t feel like typing this stuff.
Computer Screen: [Text.] Web Find
Computer Screen: [Text.]
Dr. MadelineGravis
home
MILLIONS OF COPIES SOLD
“You have spent
too long being
worse. It’s time to
GET BETTER.” Learn more>>
The whole world is talking
about Getting Better.
Translated into 15 languages.
GETTING
BETTER
Dr.Madeline
GRAVIS
Theater Director Caden Cotard says :
“ It’ll change my LIFE ! ”
Dentist: Five. Five. Five. Ohm. Some fives that’s not good. Keep wi’the flossing. We’ll see ya in three months.
Dentist: Six. Six. Six. I’m gonna recommend you see a periodontist. He’ll prob’ly recommend gum surgery.
Adele Lack: Hellooo?
Caden Cotard: Yeah I’m so glad I finally got you.
Adele Lack: Hello who is this?
Caden Cotard: ’s Caden!
Adele Lack: Ellen?!
Caden Cotard: ’s Caden! I can’wait to see you and Olive on the twelfth.
Adele Lack: Oh, I have I have to go, I’m sorry—
Caden Cotard: Um.
Adele Lack: —there’s a party, I’m famous, ahah hah ha ha.
Caden Cotard: Have fu—. Ogh! Yugh! Ugh! Ogh! Uh. Ugh-uh! Uhh.! Uff! Guff! Uh! Agh! Gah!
Operator: Nine-One-One state your emergency.
Caden Cotard: I’m sick!
Operator: Ma’am?
Caden Cotard: I’m sick!!
ELLE Magazine: [Text.]
HOLIDAY
STYLE
London Fashion
Week Obsession
What
to
wear
this
summer
ADELE LACK
ELLE Magazine: [Text.]
It’s Good
to be Adele
Six months ago, Adele Lack was an under-appreciated housewife
in Eastern New York. Stuck in a dead-end marriage to a slovenly
ugly-face loser, Adele had big dreams for her and her then
four-year-old daughter, Olive. That’s when her paintings got small…
by Cheryl Poyarsky
I wanted to show people that it was
ELLE Magazine: [Text.]
RETTUNGSRING
ELLE Magazine: [Text.]
“When I look, I see.
When I see, I paint.
It’s that simple.”
Emergency Room Nurse: Mister Guhtard? Mister Guhtard?
ELLE Magazine: [Text.]
“I’m at a point in my life where I only
want to be around joyous, healthy people.”
Evaluative Services Doctor: Mister Guhtarrd!
Wall Arrow: [Text.] DEPARTMENT OF EVALUATIVE SERVICE
Evaluative Services Doctor: You’ve had a seizure of sorts.
Caden Cotard: Wha’oes ’at mean?
Evaluative Services Doctor: Seems to be some synaptic degradation. Fungal in origin. Autonomic functions are going haywire. You’ll lose you’re ability to salivate, cry, et cetera.
Caden Cotard: It’s serious?
Evaluative Services Doctor: We don’t knoww. But yes. We’ll get you enrolled in some biofeedback program maybe you can learn some sort of manual override.
IQ: Moncrieff-Kilmartin translation of Swann’s Way.
Swann’s Way Page 3: [Text]
OVERTURE
FOR a long time I used to go to bed early. Sometimes,
when I had put out my candle, my eyes would close so
quickly that I had not even time to say to myself: “I’m falling
asleep.” And half an hour later the thought that it was time to
go to sleep would awaken me; I would make as if to put away
the book which I imagined was still in my hands, and to blow
out the light; I had gone on thinking, while I was asleep,
about what I had just been reading, but those thoughts had
taken a rather peculiar turn; it seemed to me that I myself was
the immediate subject of my book: a church, a quartet, the
rivalry between François I and Charles V. This impression
would persist for some moments after I awoke; it did not
[...]
IQ: Regarding Proust, on her books Dr. Gravis’s name is spelled Madeline, but in the credits it’s spelled Madeleine.
Poster: [Text.]
directedby
caden cotard
death
of a
salesman
Hazel: We should get a drink, ’d be fun.
Caden Cotard: Be weird.
Hazel: I like weird. I like you, see? Any way I-I don’wanna make you uncomfortable I.. okay, so I do wanna make you uncomfortable.
Jazz Singer: I’m just a little person, one.. personn in a sea,
Caden Cotard: Wha’do we do with all this?
Jazz Singer: of many little people who are not awaare of mee.
Hazel: Y’wanna come over to my place Co-tard?
Jazz Singer: I do my little job,
Hazel: I won’t let you off the hook this time by saying Never mind.
Jazz Singer: an’ live my little life,
Caden Cotard: Adele is only on vacation.
Hazel: She hasn’t called since she left.
Jazz Singer: eat my little meeals,
Hazel: It’s been a year.
Caden Cotard: It’s been a week.
Jazz Singer: miss my little kid an’ wife.
Hazel: I need to buy you a calendar.
Jazz Singer: An’ some where maybe some dayy, maybe some where far awayy,
Caden Cotard: Okay.
Jazz Singer: I’ll find a second little person,
Caden Cotard: Just for one drink.
Jazz Singer: who will look at mee an’ sayy..
Hazel: Scraps for my scrapbook.
Jazz Singer: I know you, you’re the one..
Caden Cotard: I can’t, uhh, I really can’t drink very much because of my condition.
Jazz Singer: I’ve waited forr. Let’s have some funn.
Caden Cotard: Did you put some thing in it?
Hazel: If that’s what it takes.. consider it done.
Jazz Singer: Life is precious,
Hazel: Poof. Love Potion Number Six-Nine.
Jazz Singer: ev’ry minute, an’ morre precious
Caden Cotard: Ha ha. Mm. ’t’s good.
Jazz Singer: with youu in it,
Hazel: Does it make you want to kiss me?
Caden Cotard: Kind of.
Hazel: Tell me why.
Jazz Singer: so let’s have some funn.
Caden Cotard: Because I f– I feel a lot of longing.
Hazel: Mmm. Beg a girl, why don’tcha.
Caden Cotard: Please Hazel—
Hazel: On your knees.
Caden Cotard: What?
Hazel: I wantchoo to beg me on your knees for a kiss. Just for fun.
Jazz Singer: We’ll take a road trip,
Caden Cotard: Haha.! Why am I doing this?
Jazz Singer: wayy out west.
Hazel: For fun baby.
Jazz Singer: You’re the one..
Caden Cotard: Will you help me forget my troubles?
Hazel: Oh kiddo.
Jazz Singer: I like the besst.
Hazel: You don’t even know.
Hazel: Oh!. Ah. What?
Caden Cotard: Oho.
Hazel: W-What is it?
Caden Cotard: I don’know I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Jazz Singer: I’m glad I founnd you,
Hazel: Whaat?
Caden Cotard: I’m g- I’m just y’umm—
Jazz Singer: like hangin’ ’round you.
Hazel: Whaaat.
Caden Cotard: I just I’m really confused.
Jazz Singer: You’re the one..
Caden Cotard: I’m sorry. I um.
Jazz Singer: I like the besst.
Caden Cotard: I got really uh really sick, an’ I an’ I think I’m dying.
Hazel: Jesus..
Jazz Singer: Some where maybe some day,
Caden Cotard: I have a kid, an’ I’m married.
Jazz Singer: maybe some where far awayy.
Hazel: I just thought this might change things. You know I.
Jazz Singer: Some where maybe some day, maybe some where farr awayy.
Caden Cotard: I-I had a good time an’ I think you’re a very nice person.
Jazz Singer: Some where maybe some day,
Hazel: That is just the wrong thing t’ say right now Caden.
Jazz Singer: maybe some where far awayy, I’ll meet a second little person, an’ we’ll go out an’ playy.
Hazel: You should go.
Hazel: Hazel. Uh leave a message or not, ’t’s your dime.
Caden Cotard: Hi. Y’ow I haven’t heard from you in a while an’ I-I just I thought I’d call an’ say hi. Hi Hazel. Heh-heh-heh-heh!.
Book Cover: [Text.]
GETTING
BETTER
Madeleine Gravis: Now. Now. Be here. Now.
Fax: [Text.]
Von der Telefaxmaschine von Adele
d me to ask you not to read her diary. She
er her pillow by mistake. Glpef n mesr-siy.
Adele Lack: Olive wan’ed me to ask you not to read her diary. She left it under her pillow by mistake. Guhgoyish, mmm-mezh.
Diary: [Metallic Gold Snell Roundhand Black Text.]
First Diary
Letter: [Text.]
MACARTHUR
The John D and Catherine T MacArthur Foundation
www.macfound.org
March 21, 2009
Caden Cotard
9435 Kenneth St.
Schenectady, NY 12305
Dear Mr. Cotard:
It is my pleasure to inform you that you have been named a 2009 MacArthur fellow. It is our
use your newly found financial freedom to create something unflinchingly true, profoundly be
unremitting value to your community and to the world at large. Your fellowship comes with a
a year in perpetuity. The Foundation does not require or expect specific products or reports
Fellows, and does not evaluate recipients’ creativity during the term of the fellowship. The MacA
is a no strings attached award in support of people, not projects.As you are well aware, we are
nurturing those who are a source of new knowledge and ideas, have the courage to challenge
orthodoxies and to take intellectual, scientific, and cultural risks. The MacA
to encourage people of outstanding talent to pursue
in keeping with the purpose, the Foundation
institutions. Recipients
MacArthur Foundation Representative: Dear Mister Cotard. It is my pleasure to inform you dthat you have been named a two thousand nine MacArthur fellow. It is our hope dthat you will use your newly found financial freedom to create some thing unflinchingly true, profoundly beautiful, and of unremitting value to your community and to dthe world at large.
Caden Cotard: So I got this MacArthur grant.
Madeleine Gravis: Oh Caden.
Caden Cotard: Yeah. A lotta money.
Madeleine Gravis: Y’know what you’re gonna do with it?
Caden Cotard: A theater piece. ’ow some thing big an’ true an’ tough. An’ finally put my real self in to some thing.
Madeleine Gravis: What is your real sself do you think?
Caden Cotard: Uh, I don’know yet. M-MacArthur is-is called the Genius Grant, an’ I, I wanna earn it.
Madeleine Gravis: That’s wonderful, god bless. I guess you’ll have t’ discover your real self. Right?
Caden Cotard: Yeah. Y’know I wan’ed t’ask you, h-how old are kids when they start to write?
Madeleine Gravis: Listen there’s an absolutely brilliant novel written by a four-year-old.
Caden Cotard: Really?
Madeleine Gravis: Little Winky by Horace Azpiazu.
Caden Cotard: Ahh it’s cute.
Book Cover: [Text.]
22 WEEKS ON BESTSELLER LIST!
IT’S RAINING
TOO LOUD:
SURVIVING AN EMOTIONAL DOWNPOUR
BY
DR. MADELINE
GRAVIS
Book Cover: [Text.]
HORACE AZPIAZU
Little Winky
A Novel
Madeleine Gravis: Oh, hardly. Little Winky is a virulent anti-Semite. The story follows his initiation in to the Klan, his immersion in the pornographic snuff industry and his ultimate degradation at the hands of a black ex-convict named Eric Washington Jackson Jooones Johnson—
Caden Cotard: Written by a four-year-old.
Madeleine Gravis: —Jefferson.
Caden Cotard: Wow. Wr-written by a four-year-old?
Madeleine Gravis: W’ Azpiazu killed himself when he was five.
Caden Cotard: Why did he kill himself?
Madeleine Gravis: I don’know, why did you?
Caden Cotard: What?
Madeleine Gravis: I zaid Why would you?
Caden Cotard: Oh I don’know.
Caden Cotard: Yeah I wanna bring my production t’New York.
Warehouse Realtor: Mhmm.
Caden Cotard: An’ to get it seen.
Warehouse Realtor: Mhmm.
Caden Cotard: By people ya know, who matter.
Warehouse Realtor: Well.
Caden Cotard: The sooner the better.
Warehouse Realtor: This theater, centrally located, heart of the theater district, so, y’know, great for plays.
Caden Cotard: Yeah?
Warehouse Realtor: Oh yeah, absolutely. There it is.
Caden Cotard: What was this used for.
Warehouse Realtor: Plays.
Caden Cotard: Like theater plays?
Warehouse Realtor: Mhmm. Shakespeare.
Caden Cotard: King Lear. Storm.
Caden Cotard: ’s the idea is t’do a massive theater piece. Un-uncompromising, uh honest. Uh here’s what I think theater is: it’s um it’s the beginning of thought. It’s uh the truth not yet spoken. It’s what a man feels like after he’s been clocked in the jaw. ’s love... in alll its messiness, an’ y’I want I want all of us, players an’ patrons alike, to uh soak in the c-communal bath of it uh the mikvah, as the Jews call it um ’ause we’re all in the-the same water, after all, o’soaking in our uh.. very.. menstrual blood an’ nocturnal emissions an’ this is what I what I wanna try uh give people.
Waitress: Okay’re we go. Salad. Heere’s your soup.
Caden Cotard: Thanks. Thank you.
Waitress: Enjoy.
Hazel: What’re you doing?
Caden Cotard: Salivating. Biofeedback training. So I was wondering if you’d help.
Hazel: In your box office?
Caden Cotard: No, as um my assistant.
Hazel: I’m not sure I can work with you Caden. Kin’a angry.
Caden Cotard: I just wan’ normalize it. Think we’d have a lot of fun together. I miss you.
Hazel: Really disturbing.
Caden Cotard: I know.
IQ: Receiving the letter from the MacArthur Foundation delayed Caden’s breaking in to his daughter’s diary against her apparent wishes, until now.
Olive (4 years old): Dear diary, thank you for bein’ my new bes’ friend, my name is Olive Cotard, an’ I’m four yea’s old. I like choc’late, an’ my favorite color is pink.
Diary: [Text.]
2
Deer Diry
thankyoufor
being my new
Best frend my
name is.
oliveCotard
I am fore
for yers old
I like
Choclit
and my
favorite coloris
Pink
[Drawing of a dinosaur]
Pink Box: [Text.] N O S E
Toystore Clerk: This is pink.
Caden Cotard: Yeahha, that’s good.
Post Office Clerk: Next.
Post Office Customer 1: Hi.
Post Office Clerk: Can I have your..
Package: [Text.]
DADDY
7424 KeNNeth St.
ScheNectady NY
12795
OLive Cotard
℅ Adele Lack
KUNST Galerie
KAmpfstraße 101
D-1805 BERLIN
GermaNy
[Drawing of cake with four candles]
Caden Cotard: We’ll start by talking honestly an’ out o’that a uh piece of theater will evolve. I’ll begin. I’ve been thinking a lot about dying lately.
Claire Keen: You’re gonna be fine sweetie.
Caden Cotard: Oh I appreciate that Claire but—
Claire Keen: Oh you are you poor thing.
Caden Cotard: No re-regardless of how this particular thing works its self out, I will be dying. an’ so will you. an’ so will every one here. An’ tha-that’s what I wanna explore. We’re all hurtling towards death. Yet here we are for the momen’, alive. Each of us knowing we’re-we’re gonna die, each of us secretly believing we won’t.
Claire Keen: It’s brilliant. It-It’s every thing. It’s Karamazov.
Jazz Singer: I’m singing this song,
Hazel: Stop.
Derek: I’m just asking.
Hazel: So obnoxious.
Derek: You’re so obnoxious.
Jazz Singer: but it’s about you,
Hazel: You do not wanna cross me.
Derek: Don’ I?
Jazz Singer: who ever else is lis’ning,
Hazel: Hahaha. Hi Claire.
Jazz Singer: it’s only about you,
Claire Keen: Hiii..
Hazel: Hazel.
Claire Keen: Yeah no no I-I know I know, Hazel, you’re the box office.
Hazel: Yeah, I’m the box office.
Claire Keen: How are you?
Hazel: Wonderful. You?
Jazz Singer: see there’s just one story,
Claire Keen: Yeah yeah I’m good I’m fine thank you.
Jazz Singer: and every one’s the star,
Claire Keen: Actually I’m meeting Caden here. You know Mister Cotard right?
Hazel: Yes. I recall Mr. Co-tard.
Jazz Singer: an’ it goes like this
Claire Keen: Yeah’m, I’m meeting… Oh.
Jazz Singer: no one will ever love you
Caden Cotard: Oh oh, oh. Hey.
Claire Keen: Hi Caden.
Jazz Singer: for every thing you are
Caden Cotard: Hey, haha.
Hazel: Hi Caden.
Caden Cotard: Hi Hazel. Hi Claire.
Hazel: This is Derek.
Caden Cotard: Hi D’ hi Derek.
Claire Keen: Hi Derek.
Hazel: Hii Derek.
Derek: Hi.
Caden Cotard: Ha. Oh well we’ll leave you be. Nice to see you.
Jazz Singer: an’ so you build up layers of deception
Hazel: Take care.
Caden Cotard: Why’m I bowing. Hahaha.
Claire Keen: Haha.
Caden Cotard: Okay bye.
Claire Keen: That was awkward ha.
Caden Cotard: Yeah, I guess..
Jazz Singer: an’ you leave out things to alter the perceptions
Hazel: Do you like beaver.
Claire Keen: So c’d you tell me w’ maybe what it is that you want from me.
Hazel: Does your ex-girl-friend have a beaver?
Jazz Singer: of the ones you love
Caden Cotard: Hmm?
Claire Keen: Oh ’d like from my character.
Caden Cotard: Oh uh, mm.
Derek: Have a drink.
Jazz Singer: who would never love you back
Caden Cotard: Well, we’ll build it over time together. Y’know try to try to find a real person maybe uh to model it after.
Jazz Singer: if they knew all about you
Claire Keen: That Hazel girl’s kind of interesting maybe.
Hazel: Hahahaha!
Claire Keen: Yeah y’know like-like why—
Caden Cotard: Although..
Claire Keen: —why is she still um working in a box office—
Jazz Singer: ev’ry solitary fact
Caden Cotard: I don’know.
Claire Keen: —at her age?
Caden Cotard: Prob’ly not that interesting.
Claire Keen: Don’t you think that maybe she wan’ed to be an actress—
Caden Cotard: Yeah could be.
Claire Keen: —but she lacked the confidence—
Caden Cotard: Yeah..
Claire Keen: —an that’s—
Jazz Singer: an’ the sadness of your life
Caden Cotard: We’ll talk about it.
Claire Keen: I’m so excited.!
Caden Cotard: Really why?
Jazz Singer: is built upon this lack
Claire Keen: B’cause I think that it’s..
Jazz Singer: of really knowing any one
Claire Keen: brave and I just feel like I’m gonna be part of a revolution.
Jazz Singer: or having them know you
Claire Keen: I-I keep thinking about Artaud, an’ Krapp’s Last Tape, an’ then Grotowski for Christ’s sake.!
Caden Cotard: I don’know what I’m doing.
Jazz Singer: it’s the sadness
Claire Keen: That’s what’s so refreshing. Knowing that you don’t know is the first an’ the most essential step to knowing, y’know?
Hazel: I mean you don’t have books about bee hives or—
Caden Cotard: I don’t know.
Hazel: —beaver.
Jazz Singer: an’ so just go to sleep
Caden Cotard: Haha.
Claire Keen: Well I’m proud of you.
Hazel: Wooooo!
Caden Cotard: Thanks.
Hazel: Don’t say that, not to me.
Derek: Oh sorry.
Jazz Singer: jus’ let the hours pass
Claire Keen: My mother died last night.
Jazz Singer: sleep it all away
Caden Cotard: My God. I’m s’ I’m so sorry. Wh-what’re you doing out?
Jazz Singer: none of it will last
Claire Keen: W’uhh-eh this is me.
Jazz Singer: soon it’s all over
Caden Cotard: Well, um.
Claire Keen: Well it was nice meeting you.
Jazz Singer: you’re under clover
Claire Keen: Oh god did I jus’ say meeting hahah I’m sorry I’m uh ha I’m so stupid.
Caden Cotard: Slip o’the tongue is all.
Jazz Singer: an’ none of it matters any more
Claire Keen: Ah! yeah ’s a-a Freudian slip right.
Caden Cotard: I don’know how it’s Freudian.
Claire Keen: To meet y’know. Like, like to m-meet?
Caden Cotard: Oh.
Minister: There she met Ralph Keen. They fell in love, married, an’ soon their first child Claire was born.
Claire Keen: I use’to be a baby.
Minister: Claire Elizabeth Keen was a joyous child,—
Caden Cotard: I’m sorry.
Minister: —the apple of her mother’s eye. She made her parents proud with her politeness, gymnastic skills.
Caden Cotard: God you’re beautiful.
Minister: When she was seven, little Claire was bitten by the acting bug. She starred in almost every school musical, playing Ado Annie in Oklahoma, an’ Adelaide in Guys an’ Dolls, an’ Maria in The Sound of Music.
Caden Cotard: I have to fuck you. I have to.
There will be no other before you.
Package: [Text.]
DADDY “SANTA”
7424 KeNNeth St.
Schenectady, NY
12795
U.S.A.
OLIVE COTARD
℅ ADELE LACK
KUNST GALERIE
KAmpf sTRaße 101
D-1805 BERLIN
GERMANY
Davis (as [?]): I wou’like to buy a ticket please.
Claire Keen (as [?]): Oh h’, uh..
Caden Cotard: Hold it.
Claire Keen (as [?]): That’ll be forty dollars.
Caden Cotard: Eh we’re not really.. we need to investigate, y’know t’really discover the essence of each being uh.. y’ow I think I need to work with both o’you separately. Davis I’ll start with you. I like the beginning. An’ I wanna see a good scene.
Claire Keen: Davis I’ll start with you.? There’s a difference between fffavoring me an’ pretending like we’ve never met I-I mean we’ve had Ariel I think people know that we’ve fucked.
Caden Cotard: We’ll talk about your character after we put Ariel to bed, okay?
Claire Keen: Okay.
Magazine: [Text.]
FLOWER GIRL
TEN YEAR OLD OLIVE WITTGART OF BERLIN IS THE FIRST
CHILD IN HUMAN HISTORY WITH A FULL BODY TATTOO...
Claire Keen: I think I’ve made a breakthrough. This character’s so beautiful.
Caden Cotard: Yeah I have to go find my daughter.
Claire Keen: Your daughter’s right here.
Caden Cotard: My real daughter.
Claire Keen: Excuse me.!
Caden Cotard: No y’ my-my first daughter Olive I ’ave to go find her.
Claire Keen: Please, don’t do this t’ us.!
Caden Cotard: She’s tattooed. She’s tattooed.!
Claire Keen: Uh every one is.. tattooed.!
Caden Cotard: W’ll, I’ve never seen that before.
Claire Keen: You have responsibilities.
Caden Cotard: Yeah I’ll be quick I’ll do it quick.
Book Cover: [Text.]
GETTING
BETTER
Madeleine Gravis: Redundancy is fluid. Life moves to the south. There is only the now, an’ I am always with you. For example, look to your left. Hi. Haa. When you canceled it freed me up so, I’m traveling too, yippee.! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Caden Cotard: Hm!. Y’ow I-I’m not sure I’m getting the book.
Madeleine Gravis: Oh, but it’s getting you. You’re almost non-recognizable now.
Caden Cotard: Thank you.
Madeleine Gravis: I show you my leg. I stand close an’ you inhale my perfume. I offer my ripe flower to you, an’ you deny it. This book is over.
Getting Better Page [?]: [Text.]
of events can be approached either from behind or above.
In other words, all pluralities must be tethered to a consequence
or the “rotation” of the event sequence will be uninflected
and the locator axis (a, ab, abx…) will be an unapproachable
phenomenology. Furthermore each sequential variable will b
prohibited from interacting, creating a casual decimation
and resulting in the profligation of at least three unendurable practicalities.
I show you my leg. I stand close and you inhale my perfume.
I offer my ripe flower to you and you deny it. This book is over.
Flight Attendant: [German words.]
Caden Cotard: Hi. I-I don’t speak German.
German Woman: Yah, yah. I may help you Mister?
Caden Cotard: I’m loo’ I’m looking for Adele Cotard.
German Woman: Eh.
Caden Cotard: Adele Lack.
German Woman: We must not give addresses or other personal informations.
Caden Cotard: Oh I’m her husband.
German Woman: No. You are not her husbands, which is named Gunther und Heinz.
Caden Cotard: I’m the father of ’er daughter Olive.
German Woman: Ohh. I see. ’m sorry I-I can not help you.
Olive (4 years old[?]): Dear diary. Germany is wonderful.! So many friends here. My new dads are great an’ handsome, an’ brilliant directors of theater.
IQ: Ha!
Maria: Hallo.
Caden Cotard: Y-you’re here?
Maria: Yeah. I live with Adele and Olive, and Gunther and Heinz, and Uschi and Britt. I’m every one’s nanny.
Caden Cotard: I wanna see my daughter.
Maria: Mmm. Yeah they sent me.
Caden Cotard: They? Who are they? Who the who the fuck are Uschi and Britt?
Maria: Yeah th-they decited it’s not time to see you.
Caden Cotard: They deci– who decided? They had her tattooed?
Maria: Oh-I did that. Olive is my project.
Caden Cotard: She’s a four-year-old. She’s a fucking four-year-old.
German Man: [German words.]
Maria: She.. she’s almost over eleven now. She’s my muse. I love her.
Caden Cotard: You don’love her!!
Maria: [garbled]
Caden Cotard: Where is she?!?! Wha’d you do to my daughter?!?!
Pink Box: [Text.] N O S E
Plastic Bottle: [Text.]
TEAR
UBSTITUTE
Caden Cotard: Ohhhhh, gah-ha-hod. Uhh huuh uh huuh.
Wall Sign 1: [Text.] WARNUNG
Wall Sign 2: [Text.] BAUERSTOFF
CPAP Case: [Text.]
T.B.G.
Bediernings anleitung
TRAGBARES (BE) ATMUNGSGERAT
Old Man: Death comes. faster than you think.
Soap Actress Nurse: Doctor James that was your last patient for the day.
Soap Actor Doctor: Jennifer, let’s stop the charade huh.
Soap Actress Nurse: I don’know what you’re talking about Doctor.
Soap Actor Doctor: The chemistry is uh—
Caden Cotard: You’re actually having an affair off set.
Soap Actor Doctor: —palpable, hm.
Soap Actress Nurse: Oh, okay.
Caden Cotard: It’s not it’s not good.
Soap Actor Doctor: Not g’ ah okay.
Caden Cotard: You’re actors playing actors. You’re in this scene, you’re not just filming it.
Therapy Patient Actress: You can’t see me.
Caden Cotard: You’re in this scene.
Therapy Patient Actress: Jus’ like that. An’ I ’o—
Caden Cotard: As you’re telling him this you realize that you’re attracted to him also. An’ how’re you gonna let him know that. An’ the guilt you feel about telling him about some body else knowing that.
Therapy Patient Actress: I just.
Ariel: Daddy, Daddy’s mine.
Caden Cotard: Daddy can’t play now honey.
Claire Keen: Daddy doesn’ live with us any more baby he had to go find him self.
Soap Actor Doctor: It had its moments.
Soap Actress Nurse: Yeah!.
Davis (as Shoe Shopper): They still they’re feeling a little light in the toe, but maybe—
Caden Cotard: Have an argument. You’re having an argument. Have it. I don’t buy it.
Tom (as Shoe Salesman): You sir are a horse’s ass.
Davis (as Shoe Shopper): KHAt! J’ get the fucking shoe gave me two sizes fuckin’ big..
Caden Cotard: Tom don’t turn in to an other person jus’ because I say Change your action.
Leg Tremor Doctor: An’. this. started. just today?
Caden Cotard: Mmhm.
Leg Tremor Doctor: Never happened before?
Caden Cotard: Mm-mm.
Leg Tremor Doctor: Okay. Good. You can get dressed.
Caden Cotard: Oh you’re a doctor, right? A-Am I dying? Can you tell me that?
IQ: A The Truman Show kind of skepticism.
Leg Tremor Doctor: No.
Caden Cotard: No, y-you can’t tell me?
Leg Tremor Doctor: I can’t tell you.
Caden Cotard: No you can’t tell me if you can’t tell me?
Leg Tremor Doctor: No.
Caden Cotard: No you can’t tell me ’cause you’re not allowed to?
Leg Tremor Doctor: No.
Bus Shelter Advertisement: [Text.]
LITTLE WINKY
AND
CADEN
Yellow Sign: [Text.]
TAX
CHECKS
CASHED
HERE
Hazel: Caden.!
Caden Cotard: What’re you doin’ere?
Hazel: Aw, g’ I, I-I was wondering if I was gonna bump in t’ you, I—
Caden Cotard: You look great!.
Hazel: Thaanks, uh, you—
Caden Cotard: Is that a new haircut?
Hazel: Yeah, f-for a while now.
Caden Cotard: What’re you doing in New York?
Hazel: Um I’m here with Derek and the boys, um mini-vacation!.
Caden Cotard: The boys?
Hazel: Yeah. I-I thought you knew.
Caden Cotard: How old?
Hazel: Five. Uhh twins. Robert an’ Daniel an’ Allan.
Caden Cotard: Ah. Yes.. they’re nice names. Where are they?
Hazel: D-Derek took them to Natural History, so I could shop.
Caden Cotard: Pffffff.. ah!.
Hazel: S-So good to see y’ Caden I... how are things?
Caden Cotard: Y’know. I uh, I was with Claire. An’ we-we ’ave a daughter an’ but we’re separated. Um, ’ow ’bout with you?
Hazel: Good. I have a great job at Lens Shapers.
Caden Cotard: Shapers!. Great!. You wear a lab coat.
Hazel: So good to see you.
Caden Cotard: Oh good to see you Hazel.
IQ: Sammy watches Caden’s apparent attempt.
Guy in Red Shorts: Hey-’ey! Hey! I got ’im.
Caden Cotard: Le’go.
Adult Olive: How I love Maria.! She’s so much more of a fatha than Caden eva was, with his drinking and unfortunate body odor an’ rotting teeth. I could only loathe him, an’ perhaps pity him. But Maria.!
Diary: [Text.]
She is so much more
of a father than Caden
ever was with his
drinking and unfortunate
body odor and rotting
teeth ! I could only
loathehim and perhaps
pity him. But Maria!
♥
Caden Cotard: I wanna come back. I wanna take care o’you an’ Olive. Ariel Ariel fuck.! Hufhh. Ariel.
Claire Keen: Uh-uhh-uhh’t’s so late. Please. Please.
Caden Cotard: H’llo.
Phone Caller: [Mumbles.]
Caden Cotard: Okay.
My father died.
Claire Keen: Baby.
Caden Cotard: They said his body was riddled with cancer an’, ’at he didn’t know, ’at he went in because his finger hurt. They said he suffered horribly, an’ that he, that he called out for me before he died. They said that he said he regretted his life. They said he said a lot o’things. Too many t’ recount. They said it was the longest an’ saddest death-bed speech any o’them had ever heard.
Caden’s Mother: There was so little left of ’im.. they had t’ fill the coffin with cott’n balls to keep him from rat’ling around.
Lady at Caden’s Mom’s 1: I’m really sorry for your loss.
Caden Cotard: Thank you. Y-you excuse me a moment.?
Lady at Caden’s Mom’s 1: Of course.
Caden Cotard: I-I need to use the bath room.
Claire Keen: O’ay.
Caden Cotard: A’igh’.
Lady at Caden’s Mom’s 2: God bless you and your family.
Caden Cotard: ’od bless you. ’ll you excuse me.
IQ: Haha, Claire’s expression.
Hazel: Hazel. Uh leave a message or not, it’s your dime.
Radio Voice: It’s left nine people dead.
Caden Cotard: Sorry.!
Radio Voice: There’s a fire tonight in Reuben’s, the downtown Schenectady nightclub.
Hazel: Caden?
Caden Cotard: Hi Derek.
Radio Voice: Officials suspect arson. In other news, German pharmaceutical giant [?] has won its libel suit against patients claiming chromosomal damage from use of the arthritis medication—
Caden Cotard: Can you uh..
Radio Voice: —international court has awarded—
Caden Cotard: ..jus’ tell me what to do.
Radio Voice: —one-point-three billion dollars in damages. In Pakistan today the government there—
Hazel: Caden. Every one has to figure out their own life, y’know?
Caden Cotard: I jus’ want you to look at me the way you used to.
Hazel: Oh honey I, I can’t any more.
Caden Cotard: Y’know I’m sorry. I jus’ I screwed every thing up an’ I-I don’ have any courage. An’-an’ I’m sorry.
Hazel: Caden, I’m okay.
Caden Cotard: I don’t wan’ you to be okay. I mean, I do but I-I it just uh.. rips my guts out.
Hazel: I’ll help you through any way I can.
Caden Cotard: An’ I’ll-I’ll help you through too.
Hazel: I’m fine. I have Derek.
Caden Cotard: Okay I’m-I’m fine.
Hazel: Honey I’m coming.
Adult Olive: Dear Diary. Today I felt a wetness between my legs. Maria explained to me now I am a woman. An’ being a woman is wonnderful with Maria to guide me.
Diary: [Text.]
June
25
Dear Diary,
Today I felt a
wetness between my
legs. Maria explained
to me now I am a
woman. and being
a woman is wonder
ful with Maria to
guide me.
Poster: [Text.]
OLIVE TH
WERGIRL~
ÄDCHEN)
12.16 @ ?TANZEN
Caden Cotard: Olive?. Olive. Olive, it’s Daddy. Olive it’s Daddy.! OLIVE! IT’S DADDY! Olive it’s Daddy! Don’t fuckin’ stare at m’ Olive it’s get off! It’s my daughter. That’s my daught— GET OFF! GET OFF!
Caden Cotard: Uh-I won’t settle for any thing less ’an the brutal truth. Brutal. Brutal.
Caden Cotard: Uh each day I’ll hand you a scrap of paper it’ll tell you what happened to you that day, you felt a lump in your breast. You looked at your wife and saw a stranger. Eck cetera.
Tom: Caden.
Caden Cotard: WHAT?!
Tom: When are we gonna get an audience in here? Ih-it’s been seventeen years.
Caden Cotard: A’right. I’m not excusing my self from this either. I will have some one play me, to delve in to the murky, cowardly depths of my lonely, FUCKED-UP BEING. An’ he’ll get notes too, an’ those notes will correspond to the notes I TRULY RECEIVE, EVERY DAY, FROM MY GOD! ... GET T’ WORK!
Note: [Text.]
you have a
hangover
Note: [Text.]
nothing matters
any more
Note: [Text.]
yourwife just
had a miscarriage
Note: [Text.]
you keep biting
your Tongue
Note: [Text.]
youwere raped
lasT nighT
Note (on different type of paper, with different handwriting, with punctuation): [Text.]
you lost your
job today.
IQ: Looks familiar.
Hazel: They fired me. Oh. I caused an outbreak of conjunctivitis.
Caden Cotard: Oh god.
Hazel: I didn’ wash my hands I had pink-eye hands.!
Caden Cotard: Ohh g’.
Hazel: I’m such a stupid cow. Fucking private Christian school is killing us, y’know it’s not cheap. It’s Derek’s thing. I don’t believe in that shit you know? You try to be a good person an’ that’s all there is. Do you have any thing for me Caden?
Caden Cotard: Uh. I mean I a’ready have an assistant. Um. Y’know I-I don’t have a box office yet but.
Hazel: Please Caden. Please Caden, I. Please Caden.
Hazel: Sammyy.. Barnathan?
’s is Sammy Barnathan.
Sammy Barnathan: I don’have a résumé. or a picture. An’ I’ve never worked as an actor.
Caden Cotard: Good. Tell me why you’re here.
Sammy Barnathan: W’ll I been… I been following you for twen’y years. So I knew about this audition because I follow you. An’ I’ve learned every thing about you by following you. So hire me. An’ you’ll see who you truly are. Peekaboo. Okay. Hazel I don’think we need to talk to any one else, this guy has me down. I’m’onna cast him right now. An’ then maybe you an’ I can get a drink an’ we can try to figure out this thing between us. Why I cried. B’cause I’ve never.. felt about any body.. the way I feel about you. An’ I wanna fuck you until we merge in to a chimera. A mythical beast w’penis an’ vagina eternally fused. Two pairs of eyes that look only at each other, an’ lips ever touching, an’ ’n one voice.. whispers to its self.
Caden Cotard: Okay. You got the part.
Sammy Barnathan: I never seen your shit gray.
Caden Cotard: It’s new.
Sammy Barnathan: That’s a good-good boy. Phfew.
Man: When is it opening?
Caden Cotard: When it’s ready.
Man: We need to get in, it’s bad out here.
Caden Cotard: Sorry. Y’ow I was thinking of calling it Simulacrum.
Claire Keen: I, I-I’m-I don’t know what it means.
Ariel: Can I have a nickel if I doesn’t play with my pee-pee no more?
Caden Cotard: Yeah. How’bout The Flawed Light of Love and Grief?
Claire Keen: I’m not sure.
Bus Destination Indicator: [Text] FUNLAND
Caden Cotard: Claire, I want you to play your self. Sammy’s gonna move in t’your apartment set as me.
Claire Keen: It.. uh-uhh. Uhh..
Sammy Barnathan: It ’d be my honor to play your husband, Claire. Y-You’re an amazing actress.
Claire Keen: Huah.
Sammy Barnathan: I s- no I saw you do Bernarda Alba—
Claire Keen: Uhh..
Sammy Barnathan: —last year at The Roundabout.
Claire Keen: Yeh? Mm. Tha’was a fun play. Emotionally’t was tough but, fucking fulfilling. Plus I loved working with so many strong female actresses. Aha, ah, I, ’m gonna start thinking about my self.
Sammy Barnathan: Start, huh.
Caden Cotard: Hahh, hahh.!
Sammy Barnathan: Heh-heh-heh.
Caden Cotard: Heh-heh.
Claire Keen: Who is Claire Keen. Claire Keen. Claire Keen!.
Sammy Barnathan: Why did we leave Adele, Caden?
Claire Keen: Claire Keen. Well uhh..
Caden Cotard: She left us.
Claire Keen: An actress.
Caden Cotard: Now you know it better ’an any body. Except me.
Sammy Barnathan: An amazing artist though. The best living artist. I mean there’s no one who stares the truth in the face like she does.
Claire Keen: [Words.]
Sammy Barnathan: Sweet pussy, too.
Claire Keen: —understand—
Caden Cotard: How d’you know that?
Sammy Barnathan: Ohhh... I read it. Haha.
Claire Keen: [Words.] ..I do think about that.
Caden Cotard: Any way. Y’I don’know where she is.
Sammy Barnathan: Well maybe she’s got a sublet in New York. Maybe she’s got a retrospective at The Met. Maybe. Baby.
Caden Cotard: Why’re you giving me this?
Piece Of Paper: [Text.]
20 CONKLIN ST.
APT. 31Y
Sammy Barnathan: I wanna follow you there an’ see how you lose even more of-of your self.
Claire Keen: ...like, like sexualized...
Sammy Barnathan: Research.
Claire Keen: ...body of an other...
Sammy Barnathan: Yeh for the part. Partner.
Wall: [Text.]
[The old The Met logo] M
Small Miracles:
The Paintings of
Adele Lack
PORTRAITS
Adele Lack was born in
1965 in Lawton, West
Virginia. Recounting her
childhood, she says,
“Lawton is a mining town.
The only art I ever saw
was the smear of coal
dust on my father’s shirts
but that was enough to
stimulate my fascination
with the idea of markings
on fabric, traces of the real
world left to linger in mem-
ory. The first portraits I
did were in that very coal
dust: my mother, [?]
father, the sad [?]
sed miners
Portrait of Caden Cotard, 2015
Wall: [Text.] ...Women I Love...
Object Label: MARIA, 2011
OIL ON CANVAS
FROM THE SERIES “WOMEN I LOVE”
GIFT OF THE ARTIST
Window: [Text.]
ANGELIC
DAY SPA
Window: [Text.] 20
Door Phone: [Text.]
27X SANDERS 31V LERNER
27Y WONG 31W E. LINN
27Z BRAUN 31X BARTH
28A B. WHIT 31Y C APGRAS
MB 28B
2 28C DIVONE 32Z SAMUELS
28D W. SALT
Piece Of Paper: [Text.]
DEATH IN FAMILY.
GOD RELIEVE
OUR GRIEF
Elevator Car Controls: [Text]
30 30 31 (31) ALARM
27 27 28 28 29 29
24 24 25 25 26 26
Floor Indicator: [Text.] 17
Man with Nose Bleed: Hold it! Hold it please.
Elevator Car Controls: [Text]
DOOR DOOR
OPEN CLOSE
32 PUSH
EMERGENCY
STOP
Man with Nose Bleed: Hold it please.
I asked you to hold the door.
Caden Cotard: I’m sorry I uh press’ the button but I think it was too late.
Man with Nose Bleed: You didn’ press it!.
Caden Cotard: Have a good night.
Man with Nose Bleed: Yeah, thanks.
Door Placard: [Text.] 31Y
Frances: A-Are you Ellen? Ellen?
Caden Cotard: What?
Frances: Are you Ellen Bascomb?
Caden Cotard: What?
Frances: I’m to give the key to Thirty-One-Wye to Ellen Bascomb.
Caden Cotard: Yes I’m Ellen.
Frances: She said you should just go ahead an’ get started. An’ don’t forget to change the sheets.
Caden Cotard: Okay thanks.
Man with Nose Bleed: Oh.!
Frances: Sweet heart.
Man with Nose Bleed: Oh.! Ah, ah, oh.
Caden Cotard: Adele?.
Envelope: [Text.]
Adele Lack
C/O Capgras
1045 N. 27th St., Apt. 31Y (might be 1046 W. )
New York, NY 10001
Caden Cotard: Adele?.
Clock: [Text. Clockwise from top.]
12 1 2 3 4 5 Z 6 TRAUQ 7 8 9 10 11
Piece Of Paper: [Text.]
Vom Schreibtisch der
ADELE LACK
Hi Ellen.
Be a doll and do the
sheets and whateveR is
in the hampeR. YouR
money is undeR the
toasteR.
Kisses,
Adele
Ps. bag of stuff in
bedRoom closet foR
Goodwill. Take what
you want.
Adele Lack: Hi Ellenn. Be a doll an’ do the sheets an’ what everr ’s in the hamper. Your money’s under the toaster. Kisses mm-pwuh-pwuh-mm Adele. Pee-Ess Ooh-uh bag of stuff in bed-room closet for Goodwill take what you want.
Paper Bag: [Text.] Goodwill
Sign: [Text.]
18 W
EFFETTO FASHION
18W
Window: [Text.]
ANGELIC
DAY SPA
Window: [Text.]
ANGELIC
DAY SPA
IQ: Here in Claire and Caden’s apartment (“the real one”), the thermostat looks like a Honeywell T8095, and in Claire and Sammy’s apartment, the thermostat looks like a Honeywell T874.
Caden Cotard: Went for a walk. I had t’ think.
Refrigerator Door: [Text.] G E N E R A L E L E C T R I C
Claire Keen: All night?. You smell weird. A’you wearing lipstick?
Caden Cotard: No. Wha’do-Wha’do I smell like? Like bad? Like uh old person?
Claire Keen: I don’t kno’like mold an’.. cleaning products like you’re menstruating I don’know.!
Caden Cotard: Menstruating?
Claire Keen: You tell me.
Caden Cotard: ’kay, I-I don’t menstruate so I don’know how I could smell like I’m menstruating.
Claire Keen: I wouldn’know.
Claire Keen: Ahh. I don’like the guy you got to play you.
Sammy Barnathan: You don’like Sammy? Why I-I think he’s good.
Piece Of Paper: [Text.] You Think you mighT be gay
Claire Keen: Think you should fire him. Fuck you.
IQ: Here in Claire and Sammy’s apartment, the thermostat looks like a Honeywell T874, and in Claire and Caden’s apartment (“the real one”), the thermostat looks like a Honeywell T8095.
Claire Keen: I’m forty-five years old I don’ wanna do this sshit any more.
Sammy Barnathan: I won’ fire him he’s the best thing in the play… except you..
Claire Keen: He’s coming on to me. He’s grabbing my ass in rehearsal.
Jimmy: Hey! Quiet!
Sammy Barnathan: He’s your husband.
Jimmy: Shutup!
Caden Cotard: Good, Jimmy!
Claire Keen: He’s not my god damn husband, you are.! What the fuck is wrong with you? Huhhh.. uhh. Going to rehearsal.
Sammy Barnathan: It’s about the play we’re getting at some thing real here.
Caden Cotard: It’s great, you guys. Beautiful, Sammy.
Sammy Barnathan: Caden, time out?
Caden Cotard: Yeah. What’s up?
Sammy Barnathan: Well I feel we need a uh a Hazel in here. W’ there’s a whole side of Caden I-I can’explore without a Hazel.
Caden Cotard: Uh I guess yeah.
Hazel: I get to be a character?
Caden Cotard: Yeah.
Hazel: Hoorayy.
Piece Of Paper: [Text.]
Vom Schreibtisch der
ADELE LACK
Hi Ellen.
CRackERjack job last
night! Would you do
the sheets again? We
had quite a fuck last
night and it’s musky
and gRoss.
Kisses,
A.
Adele Lack: Hi Ellenn. Crackerjack job las’ night. Would you do sheets again? We had quite a fuck ’n’it’s musky an’ gross!. Kisses. A.
Caden Cotard: Hi Adele. Reline’ the cabi-nets. Uh just wanted to let you know I won uh MacArthur Grant I’m mounting a play, which I think is gonna be pure an’ truthful. Best. Ellen.
Piece Of Paper: [Text.]
Relined th
Wanted to let you know
I won a MacArthur GranT
and I’m Mounting a play,
which I think is going to
be pure and TruThful.
BesT— Ellen
Sammy Barnathan: I went for a walk. I had t’think.
Claire Keen: Caden. What’re you doing at night? I’ve a right to fucking know.
Sammy Barnathan: I been going to Adele’s place. an’ c-cleaning it.
Claire Keen: Do you have any idea what I’ve given up for you? For this. For you. For you. Could you please get that?
Tammy: Uh-oh, this looks serious am I interrupting?
Sammy Barnathan: What’s-t’s going on Hazel?
Tammy: Just wanted you to know that the actress playing me is ready to start today.
Claire Keen: That’s great. That’s all we need around here is.. two Hazels.
Tammy: Okay I’ll take that as my cue.
Claire Keen: Maybe you could clean her toilet.
Sammy Barnathan: Maybe I will.
Claire Keen: Ugh. This is o-ver.
Sammy Barnathan: No Claire.
Claire Keen: I’m not talking to you.
Caden Cotard: I didn’ say I was gonna clean Hazel’s toilet. He did.
Claire Keen: But you thought it.
Caden Cotard: I thought it. But I didn’ say it.
Claire Keen: I got an offer to do Needleman in a Haystack. an’ I’m gonna take it. I want you out of the apartment. The real one you can keep this one.
Caden Cotard: Claire. Jesus. Claire. Claire!
Hazel: Hi, yeah we’re gonna need a Claire replacement.
Caden Cotard: Claire! I didn’ say it!
Hazel: I already put out a call for a Claire replacement.
IQ: This is nuts. Caden’s letting his actors reveal (maybe even depending on his actors to reveal) his secrets to his wife and others. His wife seems to be the most traditionally attractive of his would-be lovers, is apparently the smartest or most well-read, and he seems to be torturing her. Truly a nightmare. And he’s so deep in his myriad and layered alternate realities, that he is unphased by the emotional turmoil of others. Sammy’s right (either as Sammy or as Caden’s conscience, who can tell) when he tells Caden that Caden he’s “never really looked at any one other than your self” before Sammy jumps off the hotel roof to his death.
Claire Keen (as Reba): But I’m afraid I’m gonna have to move on.
Needleman Actor: Jus’ like that? You don’t give a guy even a chance?
Claire Keen (as Reba): I’m not a chance-givin’ girl. I’m a fun-lovin’ girl rememba?
Needleman Actor: I try an’ be fun-loving. See?
Claire Keen (as Reba): Ah-hahahahaha! Sorry. My analys’ says you have complexes.
Needleman Actor: Once you enjoyed Needleman’s complexes.
Claire Keen (as Reba): That’s before my analyst taught me that—
Caden Cotard: This is the last o’my stuff.
Apartment Number Stickers: [Text.]
2
A
Needleman Actor: Bye.
Claire Keen: Bye. From the top?
Claire Keen (as Reba): Oh Needleman. You had such potential. But I’m afraid I’m gonna have to move on.
Hahahahaha-ahh-haa-ha-ahh sorry, okay. Haah-hahhahahaha.
Door: [Text.] 220
[Woman]: What’s the matta.
Actress Playing Claire (as Reba): Oh Needle Man, you had such potential. But I’m afrai-hah-d I’m going to have to move ahah-on.
Actor Playing Needleman Actor: Jus’ like that? You don’t give a guy a chance, this Needleman?
Actress Playing Claire (as Reba): I’m not a chance-giving girl. I’m a fun-loving girl. Hahah-hahahah!
Actor Playing Needleman Actor: Once you enjoyed Needleman’s complexes.
Actress Playing Claire (as Reba): That’s before my analyst taught me that my enjoyment—
Caden Cotard: This is a lie.
Actor Playing Needleman Actor: Come’ere. I try to be fun-loving, see.
Actress Playing Claire (as Reba): She told me your hatred of her—
Caden Cotard: Will.
Actress Playing Claire (as Reba): —is a sign of your latent homosexuality.
Caden Cotard: Y’wall it up. All of it.
Caden Cotard: Claire!
[Claire Keen or Claire Keen (as Reba) or Actress Playing Claire (as Reba)]: Mm, mmmmm. Mmm Needleman uhhh. Aho, hah!
Caden Cotard: Alright!
[Claire Keen or Claire Keen (as Reba) or Actress Playing Claire (as Reba)]: Oahhh.
Elevator Car Controls: [Text]
30 30 31 (31) ALARM
27 27 28 28 29 29
24 24 25
Adele Lack: Good for you with your grannt.! Listen, I fixed up the walk-in as a sorta bed room if you want. We’d love to have you an’ you wouldn’t have to schlep all the way to Queens. ’s just a thought. Kisses. A.
Piece Of Paper: [Text.]
Vom Schreibtisch der
ADELE LACK
Good foR you with
youR gRant! Listen,
I fixed up the walk-in
as a soRt of bedRoom
if you want. We’d
love to have you and
you wouldn’t have to
schlep all the way
to Queens. Just a
thought.
Kisses,
A.
White Cardboard Box: [Text.]
Olive’s
STUFF
Diary: [Text.]
Dear DiaRy,
I am afraid
I’m gRavely
ill. It is peRhaps
times like these
that one Reflects
Adult Olive: Dear Diary, I’m afraid I’m gravely ill.
Door: [Text.] 220
Adult Olive: It is perhaps times like these that one reflects on things past. An article of clothing from when I was young. A green jacket. A walk with my father. A game we once played.
Olive (4 years old): Pretend we’re fairies.
Adult Olive: Pretend we’re fairies.
Olive (4 years old): I’m a girl fairy an’ my name is Larulee.
Adult Olive: I’m a girl fairy an’ my name is Larulee. An’ you’re a boy fairy an’ your name is Teeteree.
Plywood Sign: [Text.] CATERING
Olive (4 years old): Pretend when we’re fairies we fight each other.
Adult Olive: Pretend when we’re fairies we fight each other. And I say Stop hitting me or I’ll die. An’ you hit me again—
Sign On Doors: [Text.]
NO
PARKING
Magazines On The Rack: [Text.]
Fa Fa Family Cir
B Better
Homes
Fa F Fam
P Parents
Fo Forbes
F F F Forbes
Newsstand: [Text.]
NEWS
LOTTERY
LOTTERY NOW
PLAYING
Candy Boxes: [Text.]
Junior
Mints
100 GRAND
JUJYFRUITS
CRUNCH
[?]
[?]
Tootsie Roll
Adult Olive: —and I say Now I have to die. An’ you say
Caden Cotard: B’I’ll miss you.
Adult Olive: I’ll miss you. And I say—
Olive (4 years old): But I haave to.
Adult Olive: —I have to. An’ you’ll have to wait, a million years to see me again. An’ I’ll be put in a box, and all I’ll need—
Olive (4 years old): Teeny glass ’f wa—
Adult Olive: —is a tiny glass of water and—
Olive (4 years old): —lots of tee—
Adult Olive: —lots of tiny pieces of pizza.
Olive (4 years old): —and the box will have wings like an air plane.
Adult Olive: An’ the box will have wings like an air plane. And you ask Where will it take you? Home—
Olive (4 years old): Home.
Adult Olive: —I say.
Diary: [Metallic Gold Snell Roundhand Black Text.]
First Diary
Adult Olive: Das ist für hier. So. Words, English, here.
Caden Cotard: Thank you.
Adult Olive: Yeah? Ich sterbe.
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles: I’m dying...
Translation Headphones: I’m dying.
Adult Olive: [?]
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles: ...as I’m sure Maria told you.
Translation Headphones: I’m sure Maria told you.
Adult Olive: Ich habe Blumen Tattoos […?]
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles: The flower tattoos have become infected...
Translation Headphones: The flower tattoos have become infected, an’ they’re dying.
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles: ...and they’re dying.
Adult Olive: Ich auch.
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles: So I am as well.
Translation Headphones: I am, as well.
Adult Olive: So ist das Leben.
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles: This is life.
Translation Headphones: This is life.
Caden Cotard: It’s Maria.
Translation Headphones: Es ist Maria.
Caden Cotard: She did this.
Translation Headphones: [?]
Adult Olive: [?]
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles: Maria gave me reason to live once you left.
Translation Headphones: Maria gave me reason to live once you left.
Adult Olive: Die Blumen [...?]
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles: The flowers defined me.
Translation Headphones: The flowers defined me.
Caden Cotard: Your mother an’ Maria took you away. I’ve tried for years to find you. I didn’t leave you.
Translation Headphones: [?]
Adult Olive: [?]
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles: I want to talk to you
about your homosexuality.
Translation Headphones: I want to talk to you about your homosexuality.
Caden Cotard: I’m not a homosexual.!
Translation Headphones: [?]
Adult Olive: [?]
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles: Maria said you would deny it.
Translation Headphones: [?]
Caden Cotard: Well she’s a liar. She’s lying to you.
Translation Headphones: [?]
Adult Olive: Ich hatte [...?]
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles:
I had the same struggle
when I first fell in love with Maria...
Translation Headphones: [?]
Adult Olive: [?]
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles: ...and we began to have dirty, aching sex.
Translation Headphones: [?]
Caden Cotard: Maria’s your lover?
Translation Headphones: [?]
Adult Olive: Na sicher.
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles: Of course.
Translation Headphones: Of course.
Adult Olive: [?]
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles: She introduced me to myself.
Translation Headphones: She introduced me to my self.
Adult Olive: Mit meiner vagina und ihrer.
Translation Headphones: To my vagina and to hers.
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles: To my vagina and to hers.
Caden Cotard: O’you have no idea how evil she is.
Translation Headphones: [?]
Adult Olive: [?]
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles: I need to forgive you before I die…
Translation Headphones: [?]
Adult Olive: [?]
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles:
...but I can’t forgive someone
who has not asked for forgiveness.
Translation Headphones: —forgiveness.
Caden Cotard: I just want—
Adult Olive: Ich habe keine Zeit.!
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles: I have no time.
Translation Headphones: I have no time.!
Adult Olive: Du musst [be?] um Vergebung bitten.
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles: I need you to ask for forgiveness.
Translation Headphones: [?]
Caden Cotard: Can you ever forgive me?
Translation Headphones: [?]
Adult Olive: Für was.
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles: For what?
Translation Headphones: For what?
Caden Cotard: F-For abandoning you.
Translation Headphones: [?]
Adult Olive: Dafür, dass ich du verlassen haber,
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles: For abandoning you...
Adult Olive: um Analsex mit meinem homosexuellen Liebhaber Eric zu haben.
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles:
...to have anal sex
with my homosexual lover, Eric.
Translation Headphones: —homosexual lover Eric.
Caden Cotard: I will. I’ll say it.
Translation Headphones: Ich werde. Ich werde es sagen.
Caden Cotard: For abandoning you...
Translation Headphones: Dafür, dass ich du verlassen haber,
Caden Cotard: ..to have anal sex..
Translation Headphones: um Analsex
Caden Cotard: ..with my homosexual lover Eric.
Translation Headphones: mit meinem homosexuellen Liebhaber Eric zu haben.
Adult Olive: Nein.
Translation Headphones: No.
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles: No.
Caden Cotard: Hoh.
Adult Olive: Kann nicht.
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles: No, I’m sorry...
Translation Headphones: No, I’m sorry.
Adult Olive: Ahhh es-es tut mir Leid.
Yellow Helvetica-ish Medium Subtitles: ...I cannot.
Translation Headphones: I can not.
IQ: Translation headphones workin’ out of order.
Caden Cotard: Oh.
Maria: I hope you’re happy faggot.
Caden Cotard: I’m not happy. I’m not happy.
Wall: [Text.] ...Women I Love...
T-Shirt 1: [Text.]
Adele Lack
Small Miracles
Nov. 5, 2026 - Jan. 20, 2027
Map: [Text.]
WAREHOUSE #2
INTERIOR WAREHOUSE #1
MAP TO WAREHOUSES
DIRECTOR CADEN COTARD
Door: [Text.] 220
Graffiti: GeT OFF MY [?]
Sign On Doors: [Text.]
NO
PARKING
T-Shirt 2: [Text.] 78
Sammy Barnathan: I told you before. This is not a play about dating it’s about death! Make it personal move along.
Caden Cotard: He doesn’ need to yell at them. It is a play about dating. It’s not a play jus’ about death. It’s about every thing. Dating, birth, death, life, family. All that.
This doesn’t look real.
Hazel: What?
Caden Cotard: ’n’ look real.
Hazel: I can’t hear you.!
Wall: [Text.]
WAREHOUSE
2
Plywood Sign: [Text.]
DRESSING
ROOMS
Street Sign: [Text.] BRIDGE ST
Sammy Barnathan: Morning, Haze.
Tammy: Hi Caden. Hhow was your night?
Sammy Barnathan: ’s okay. Yours?
Tammy: Beh. Philip was colicky I was up all night.
Sammy Barnathan: Oh sorry.
Caden Cotard: Sorry.
Sammy Barnathan: Ev’ry body here?
Tammy: Sammy’s not here. Jimmy called, an’, eh said there’s some subway problem.
Jimmy: Sorry. Hi Hazel.
IQ: Is this the same Jimmy who was trying to get Sammy and Claire to shush?
Tammy: Hi Sammy.
Sammy Barnathan: Ssammy likes you.
Caden Cotard: I need you to build this. This is just the facade t’Adele’s place. We’ll be casting an Ellen. I can get y’the interiors later. Few days?
IQ: The graffiti-artist actor in the background is referencing an item they’re holding to carefully forge / replicate a tag which would require much less study by the actual artist.
Object Label: [Text.]
ELLEN BASCOMB, 2024
OIL ON CANVAS
FROM THE SERIES “WOMEN
PRIVATE COLLECTION
Exhibit Attendee 1: Yeah did you see it?
Exhibit Attendee 2: Oh yeah.
Exhibit Attendee 1: Can I look again?
Exhibit Attendee 3: Slight shift in perspective on this one.
Exhibit Attendee 4: Yes I see it.
Exhibit Attendee 5: It’s subtle.
Hazel: Ah. Millicent Weems. Caden, this is—
Caden Cotard: Hazel, wha’do you think o’this title.. Unknown, Unkissed, an’ Lost.
Hazel: Eh. Any way uh this is Millicent Weems.
Caden Cotard: Have a seat. How are you at cleaning?
Millicent Weems: Very very good at it.
Manila Folder 1: [Text.]
Cancellation
plans
Manila Folder 2: [Text.]
Take-out
menus
Caden Cotard: B’cause this part requires a lot of it, you’d play a cleaning lady.
Millicent Weems: I played Egga the cleaning lady in Hedda Gabler at the Roundabout.
Caden Cotard: Greaat. Okay.
Millicent Weems: An’ uh, Misses Dobson in Scrub-a-Dub at the Pantages.
Caden Cotard: You’re weirdly close to what I’ve visualized for this character.
Millicent Weems: Glad to be weirdly close.
Worker: Sorry every body!
Caden Cotard: M’rice what’s goin’ on?
Maurice: I’m sorry. We have a.. couple o’new guys on’n’ we’re not in sync yet.
Caden Cotard: We good to go?
Maurice: Yes. Y’ahh.
Caden Cotard: I’m sorry. Fuck.
Actress Playing Frances: Are you Ellen? Are you Ellen Bascomb?
Millicent Weems: Shiit.
IQ: Haha.!
Millicent Weems: Line please.
Hazel: Mm.. What?
Millicent Weems: Right right. What?
Actress Playing Frances: I’m to give the key to Thirty-One-Wye to Ellen Baascomb.
Millicent Weems: Yes I’m Ellen. Oh dear it’s the wrong key.
Adele Lack: I’ll be in in a secon’.
Caden Cotard: Did you hear that?
Hazel: What?
Millicent Weems: D’ uh, Caden you’re breaking the fourth wall.
Caden Cotard: This is the wrong key.
Millicent Weems: No I-I can open th’ I’m suppose’t’ open the door.
Caden Cotard: Hold on. Are you in there??
Hazel: Just, Caden there’s no one in there.
Caden Cotard: Adele?!
Hazel: Caden.
Adele Lack: You can start [?]. I’m jumping in the shower I’ll be out in a secon’. D’you want some coffee I can make a fresh pot. Did you look at the new pain’ing on my easel? Wha’d’ya think? Hey thanks for the fuck this morning.
Caden Cotard: People don’ walk like that.
Tom: Wha’, tooo..?
Caden Cotard: No just walk like your self.
Tom: Watch-Watch this.
Caden Cotard: I gotta go.
Tom: Watch this.
Caden Cotard: Where’s uh Hazel an’ Sammy?
Sammy. Sammy.
Sammy Barnathan: Hahahaha.
Hazel: Heh heh heh.
Caden Cotard: Sammy.
Sammy Barnathan: H-Hi Caden.
Caden Cotard: What’re you doing?
Sammy Barnathan: I w’s being you I.. y’know you like Hazel I like Hazel.
Caden Cotard: This Hazel doesn’exist for you if you wanna like a Hazel, like that one.
Tammy: That’s what I tried to tell’im..
Hazel: No harm no foul Caden i’s equity break any way. Ten minutes every body!
Caden Cotard: Hazel.
Hazel: What?
Caden Cotard: I y-y’don’ like him do ya?
Hazel: Yeah. H’reminds me of you.
Caden Cotard: Hoh hoh hoh hoh. I’m me. You don’t need some one to remind you of mee.
Hazel: N’ don’t worry Caden. I like you more. I do. Jus’ Sammy’s fun.
Caden Cotard: Hwah-hah-hah, I’m fun.
Hazel: Oh sweetie no you’re not.
Caden Cotard: H-hold on a second. Yes?
Officer Mellman: This is Caden Cotard?
Caden Cotard: Yes.
Officer Mellman: Thi’is Officer Mellman with Schnectady Pee-Dee. I’m sorry to inform you your mother’s been the victim of a hhome invasion.
Caden Cotard: Wha’does that mean?
Officer Mellman: She is dead.
Caden Cotard: Was my father standing with us?
Tammy: I don’t know what he looks like.
Caden Cotard: He’s dead. Or ’e looks dead I guess.
Tammy: Prob’ly wasn’ him then.
Caden Cotard: He’s a big guy. A’yway. Thanks for comin’ with me.
Tammy: It’s okay.
Caden Cotard: I asked Hazel, but she was busy tonight an’ you’re the nex’ bes’ thing. I mean. It’s not that you’re the. nex’ bes’ thinng, but because you play her ’t feels comforting. Does ’at make sense? Hff. Oh although the thing is off stage you’re nothin’ like ’er. But you-you play her very well though. …Did Hazel mention what she was doing tonight, because I called her house before we left an’ her husband tol’ me she was she wasn’ gonna be back till late an’ I jus’ thought that was weird, because she said Philip was sick.
Tammy: She’s having dinner with Sammy.
Caden Cotard: That’s int’resting.
Tammy: He’s sposeda like me.
Caden Cotard: I’ll ’ave an other talk with’m. C’you excuse me. I need to go to the bath room.
Tammy: Don’t forget your phone.
Caden Cotard: Mm. Thanks Yammy.
Hazel: It’s Hazel. Uh leave a message or not, ’t’s your dime.
Caden Cotard: You can stay in my parents’ room. ... I thought some one would’ve cleaned it up.
Tammy: Who?
Caden Cotard: I don’know some one.
Caden Cotard: This is my room. You can sleep here.
Tammy: Where are you going to sleep?
Caden Cotard: Ah the living-room couch.
Tammy: Don’t you want to sleep with me? It’s just sex.
Caden Cotard: W’okay. If you think it’s okay. Ah-how can you be like that?
Tammy: I get undressed every day.
Caden Cotard: In front of some one is different.
Tammy: I don’t see why.
Caden Cotard: Maybe because you have a beautiful body. Maybe that makes it easier.
Tammy: Eh I suppose it might. Do you want to fuck?
Caden Cotard: I do. Um. Do you?
Tammy: Take your clothes off.
Caden Cotard: I’m sorry. I’m very, very lonely. I don’t uh kn’ what’s wronng. I j’ I just. I’m sorry. Do you understand. I can-can you understand loneliness.
Tammy: Yeahh I mean, I don’know I, I feel okay mos’ly. Fucking might help.
Caden Cotard: Eh-uh. I’m sorry.
Tammy: It’s okay I don’t mind. Ta’e your clothes off.
Caden Cotard: You’re very pretty.
Tammy: Thanks.
Caden Cotard: Some times I wish I could be. pretty like that.
Tammy: W’t you wish you were a girl?
Caden Cotard: Some times I think I mighta been better at it.
Tammy: Int’resting. It’s kind of a drag in a lot o’ways. D’you like guys?
Caden Cotard: No. I only.. love women.
Tammy: Well. I’m getting cold. … Pretty Caden.
Caden Cotard: Thanks, for saying that.
Tammy: Come to bed Pretty Caden.
Tammy: I shoul’n’ave drunk so much fucking beer last night.
Realtor’s Placard: [Text.]
Nick Lichtman
REALTY
- 3 0 2 -
Roland: What’re you gonna do about it?
Woman Behind Door: I’m gonna go get lunch what are you going to do about it?
Roland: Ohh for Christ.
Sammy Barnathan: ’s good Roland.
Roland: Thanks Caden.
Sammy Barnathan: We-we need to fire him.
Caden Cotard: We don’ need to fire’m.
Accountants’ Placard: [Text.]
ZIMMERMAN
AND FARRELL
CERTIFIED PUBLIC ACCOUNTANTS
- 3 0 3 -
Sammy Barnathan: Jeremy’s playing to us just tell him to simply talk to Donna an’ we’ll hear what we hear.
Caden Cotard: Sammy’s explaining too much. Feels expository. It needs to be shorthand, like, Jeremy-big.
Tammy: Caden can we stop a second?
Caden Cotard: Sure.
Tammy: If Hazel’s in love with Sammy and Caden’s in love with Hazel, there would be a big confrontation when Caden turns to me an’ says, It’s obvious he’s a substitute for me. Then I think Hazel would have a good moment where she cries or get ang– or gets angry. I’m not sure which yet, but I-I think it’s dramatically sound.
IQ: There’s the unspoken Tammy’s a substitute for Hazel (for Caden), and Hazel’s a substitute for Tammy (for Sammy), and Caden’s a substitute for Sammy (for Tammy). Life’s funny.
Hazel: Tha’didn’t happen, Caden.
Tammy: No I think Hazel would do that Hazel.
Hazel: But Hazel hasn’t done that, Tammy.
Tammy: Caden whatcha think?
Lawyers’ Placard: [Text.]
Keller & Steinman
Attorneys at Law
[300? 301?]
Caden Cotard: I-I feel like we could c’ we could we could try it.
Tammy: Greaat.
Hazel: Fuck.
Caden Cotard: Let’s try it.! Maybe it can ’appen at the director’s table. Vuck.
Plywood Sign: [Text.]
HALLWAY
OFFICE SET
Caden Cotard: Y’know Tammy’s right I don’ understand why you’re with Sammy.
Hazel: He’s nice. He’s available. Fucks me without crying.
Caden Cotard: Since when’re you available?
Hazel: Derek left. Because of you.
Caden Cotard: When? How come you never told me?
Hazel: Oh. I don’know Caden. How come a lot o’things huh?
Caden Cotard: Ffuck. I gotta let go o’the actor who played Derek, what’s his name?
Hazel: Oh. That is such a romantic response I am touched.
Caden Cotard: It’s not my response.
Hazel: Okay Derek is played by..
Caden Cotard: It crossed my mind. We have enormous budgetary concerns here.
Hazel: Ohh. Ohh. Joe.
Caden Cotard: Stop, okay, no, just stop.
Hazel: I do not like Tammy an’ she’s nothing like me. How can you like her any way?
Caden Cotard: She looks like you.
Hazel: Joe Abernathy. No she does not.
Caden Cotard: She offered to have sex with me.
Hazel: Ugh.
Caden Cotard: Abernathy?
IQ: Abernathy :-) Haha he’s still concerned about this info during this conversation.
Hazel: Yeah. Was it good?
Caden Cotard: It was nice.
Hazel: Ugh.
Caden Cotard: I’m just being honest it was nice it wasn’ earth-shattering.
Hazel: Did you cry?
Caden Cotard: No.
Hazel: Heh, ’re making progress.
Caden Cotard: Okay I cried a little before. … Hazel you’ve been a part o’me for ever, don’t you know that? I breathe your name in ev’ry exhalation.
Hazel: What’re we doin’.
Caden Cotard: I don’know.
IQ: Is Sammy fake-sad or real-sad watching from a distance Hazel happy with some one else (this time Caden), roughly replicating sad-Caden watching from a distance Hazel happy with some one else (that time Derek) on the hotel terrace, where Sammy was observing all of them. This time with joyous strings.
Hotel Placard: [Text.]
THE
TETHERED
MAIDEN
HOTEL
Pool Sign: [Text.]
THE
TETHERED
MAIDEN
HOTEL
POOL
Hazel: Ohh this is the place—
Caden Cotard: Yeahh.
Hazel: —I stayed with Derek an’ the kids yahh.
Caden Cotard: Yeah we’re almost—
Sammy Barnathan: Ca’en.
Caden Cotard: —with the terrace.
Hazel: Ohh.
Sammy Barnathan: Ca’en. Caden! Caden look a’ me!
Caden Cotard: What’re you doing.
Hazel: Sammy stay right where you are I’m coming up!
Sammy Barnathan: There’s-There’s nothing to talk about Hazel. It-it’s not your fault.
Caden Cotard: What’re you doing??
Sammy Barnathan: I’ve watched you for ever Caden but you’ve never really looked at any one other than your self. Mm so watch me. Watch my heart break. Watch me jump. Heh heh heh heh heh heh. Watch me learn that after death there’s nothing. There’s no more watching there’s no more following, no love. Oh say-say good bye to Hazel for me. An’-An’ say it for your self too. None of us has much time.
Caden Cotard: Sammy! Come down!!
Sammy Barnathan: Hazelllll I loooooove.. youuu.
Caden Cotard: Sammy. I didn’ jump Sammy. I’m not stopping before I jump. Get up! I didn’ jump.
Caden Cotard: Now I know how t’ do it now. There’re nearly thirteen million people in the world. An’ can you imagine that many people, an’ none of those people is an extra. They’re all leads in their own stories. They ’ave to be given their due.
Actor (as Caden): I know how to do it now. There are thirteen million people in the world. Can you imagine how many people that is. None of those people are an extra. They’re all the lead in their own story. They have got to be given their due.
Caden Cotard: Do you see what I’m saying?
Hazel: Come over t’night. Please.
Caden Cotard: Know we could get a place together. We ca’get a loft.
Hazel: God Caden. That sounds nice. I miss my daughter. Maybe she could come live with us.
Caden Cotard: Oh I miss Olive. An’ the.. other one.
Hazel: I’m a bad person.
Caden Cotard: Oh no you’re not.
Hazel: I am. I should never have gone out with Sammy. I’s was just tryin’ to get t’ you.
Caden Cotard: You can’t cause someone to kill him self. He was very troubled.
Hazel: God Caden. I wish we had this when we were young. Ahh, an’ all those years in b’tween.
Caden Cotard: My heart aches so much for you.
Hazel: We’re here Caden. I’m here.
Caden Cotard: I’m aching for it being over.
Hazel: Yeah. The end is built in to the beginning. Hwhat can you do?
Caden Cotard: God you’re just perfect.
Hazel: I’m a mess.
Caden Cotard: Hm!.
Hazel: But we fit, don’t we.
Caden Cotard: Yeah.
Caden Cotard: Doesn’ always happen for me now, because o’the medication an’ every thing. I take a l’ a lot of pills.
Hazel: ’s okay.
Caden Cotard: An’ I’m-I’m embarrassed. I don’ want you to think it’s about you or, or me.
Hazel: ’s okay.
Caden Cotard: Mm I have a title. The Obscure Moon.. Lighting an Obscure World.
Hazel: I think it might be too much.
Caden Cotard: Mm probably. Hmhm.
Medic: Sir could you come up here please?
Orange Construction Paper: [Text.] Scraps for my Scrapbook
Napkin: [Text.]
Quincy’s
SC ENE TADY
Newspaper Clipping: [Text.]
OUT OF TOWN
Menu Cover: [Text.]
Crispy Bambo
Village
Orange Ticket: [Text.]
705
Greeting Card: [Text.]
Love
is
the heart
of
happiness
Caden Cotard: Oh.
Medic: Might be smoke inhalation.
Hazel: It’s Hazel. Uh leave a message or not, ’t’s your dime.
Caden Cotard: Oh I know how to do the play now. It’ll all take place over the course of one day. An’ that day will be the day before you died. It ’s happiest day o’my life. An’ I’ll be able to relive it for ever. See ya soon.
Michael: So, have you got any, thoughts for uh, today’s rehearsal.
Piece Of Paper: [Text.] “ The Director ”
IQ: Wigs.
Caden Cotard: I have a new title maybe.
Michael: Oh.
Caden Cotard: Infectious Diseases In Cattle.
Michael: Uh.
Caden Cotard: Title means a lot o’things. You’ll see. It means-means a lot.
Garage Door: [Text.] NO PARKING
IQ: Oh that Gee.
Caden Cotard: I need a Caden for my Hazel.
Millicent Weems: I’d very much like to play Caden. I-I, I know that, I know that it’s it would be non-traditional casting but, I think uh I could do it. I think I understand ’im.
Caden Cotard: I don’ understand ’im.
Millicent Weems: Well. Caden Gotard is a man.. already dead. He um he lives in a half-world between stasis an’ antistasis an’ time is concentrated, chronology confused y’ up until r-recently he’s-he’s strived valiantly to.. make sense of his situation but now he uh, he’s turned to stone.
Caden Cotard: Okay. Sounds good.
Millicent Weems: Okay. Thanks.!
Michael: She’s right? I-I-I didn’t see that at all. I-I saw it as much more hopeful.
Caden Cotard: Shh-sh.
Actor as Sammy-like Caden: None of those people is extras. They’re all leads in their own stories.
IQ: Tammy as Hazel an’ Millicent as Caden, wigglin’ linked pinkies :-)
Millicent Weems: Y’ow this-this is, ’s is tedious this is nothing. Hi your scene’s over could you lea’ the stage.
Michael: What is she doing?
Millicent Weems: I want you to look down—
Tammy: He’s directing.
Millicent Weems: —and could you kneel at the coffin there. Would you go—
Michael: She’s not getting the feel of you Caden.
Millicent Weems: This is your—
Michael: You don’t move around like that. You don’t talk to people.
Millicent Weems: [Words.] Step over there. Okay every body let’s run it.
Pastor: Every thing is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached t’ every choice you make. You can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won’t know for twen’y years. An’ you may never ever trace it to its source. An’ you only get one chance to play it out. Jus’ try an’ figure out your own divorce. An’ they say there is no fate, but there is, it’s what you create. An’ even though the world goes on for eons an’ eons, you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born but, while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from some one or some thing to make it alright an’ it never comes or it seems to but it doesn’t really. An’ so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope that some thing good will come along, some thing t’make y’feel connected, some thing t’make ya feel whole, some thing to make ya feel loved. An’ the truth is.. I feel so angry. An’ the truth is.. I feel sooo vucking sad. An’ the truth is I’ve felt so fucking hurt for so fucking long an’ for just as long have been pretending I’m okay jus’ t’get along, jus’ for.. I don’know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own. Well!. Ffuck every body. A-men.
Caden Cotard: Ah-men.
Michael: Delightful.!
Millicent Weems: Thanks.
Caden Cotard: I’m out of ideas. I’m dead.
Millicent Weems: Well I could.. take over as you.. for a bit until you feel refreshed. I think you’re tired Caden all these years of creative work.
Michael: I think you jus’ need some.. time.. to regroup.
Caden Cotard: I need t’keep my hand in.
Millicent Weems: Well Ellen needs to be filled.
Caden Cotard: You mean.
Millicent Weems: Her role. Jus’ for a bit.
Michael: ’t’s a choice role.!
Caden Cotard: I do like t’ clean.
Actress Playing Frances: Ellen?.
Door Placard: [Text.] ROOM
Caden Cotard: Yes.
Actress Playing Frances: Caden as’ me to give you this. You’re to keep it in alll th’ tiime.
Millicent Weems: So touched by the sadness of Adele’s neighbor, so close to death. Say Thank you to Adele’s neighbor.
Caden Cotard: Thank you.
Actress Playing Frances: You’re very welcome young lady.
Millicent Weems: Now say Have a very good day.
Caden Cotard: Ha’ a very good day.
Actress Playing Frances: I will in deeed.
Millicent Weems: Reach for the toilet paper. Wrap some around your hand. Wipe your self.
Ellen Bascomb: There was sposeda be some thing else. I was sposeda to have some thing. Y’know a calm. Love. Children. A child at least. Children. Meaning.
Ev’ry thing okay, Eric?
Eric: Ev’ry thing ’s ev’ry thing.
Ellen Bascomb: He hates me. I’ve disappointed him an’ ’e hates me.
Adele Lack: Ev’ry one is disappoin’ing, when y’know some one.
Ellen Bascomb: I remember having that picnic with my mother. Look at me.
Mother: Ellen what is it.
Ellen Bascomb: I was so young.
Ellen (10 years old): I’m going to remember this moment for the rest of my life Mama. And in exac’ly twen’y years, come here with my daughter, an’ have exac’ly the same picnic.
IQ: Fluorostatin TR commercial.
Ellen Bascomb: There was so much hope.
Mother: Baby that’s the loveliest thing I’ve ever heard.
Ellen Bascomb: Hm.! Oh god. Sorry Mommy. I’m sorry. Where is my little girl. Where is my little girl where is my little girl.
Millicent Weems: Look at the night table for a note from Adele.
Male Voice: Adele died of lung cancer last night. You may stay on if you like.
Piece Of Paper: [Text.]
Adele died of lung cancer last night.
You may stay on if you like.
Millicent Weems: Stare out the window. Remember the time she got you t’ pose for one of her paintings. How she told you how beautiful you were. How she made you feel pretty again for a little while. Think how you’ll miss her. Stand up. … Now it is waiting. An’ no body cares. An’ when your wait is over, this room will still exist, an’ it will continue to hold shoes—
Demonstrators: Freedom!
Millicent Weems: —an’ dresses—
Demonstrator: When do we wan’ it?
Demonstrators: Now!
Millicent Weems: —an’ boxes. An’ maybe some day an other waiting person. An’ maybe not.
Demonstrator: Wha’do we want?
Demonstrators: Freedom!
Millicent Weems: The room doesn’t care either.
Demonstrator: When do we wan’ it?
Demonstrators: Now!
Millicent Weems: Walk.
Caden Cotard: Duhh!.
Actress Playing Frances: There’s no body running the elevator any more.
Plywood Wall: [Text.] 29
Book Cover: [Text.]
GETTING
BLISSED
OUT
Happiness
through
Medication
Dr. Madeline Gravis
Map: [Text.]
WAREHOUSE #3
WAREHOUSE #2
INTERIOR WAREHOUSE #1
MAP TO WAREHOUSES
DIRECTOR CADEN COTARD
Millicent Weems: What was once before you, an exciting mysterious future, is now behind you. Lived, understood, disappointing. You realize you are not special. You have struggled in to existence, an’ are now slipping silently out of it. This is ev’ry one’s experience. Every single one. The specifics hardly matter. Ev’ry one is ev’ry one.
Book Cover: [Text.]
IF I WERE YOU
HUNDREDS OF FANTASTIC SOLUTIONS
FOR HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE
DR. MADELINE GRAVIS
IF I WERE YOU
DR. MADELINE GRAVIS
Millicent Weems: So you are Adele, Hazel, Claire, Olive.
Wall: [Text.]
WAREHOUSE
3
Sign: [Text.]
COMING SOON
Caden Cotard
Millicent Weems: You are Ellen. All her meager sadnesses are yours.
Newsstand: [Text.] NEWS
Millicent Weems: All her loneliness. Her gray straw-like hair. Her red raw hands. It’s yours. It is time for you t’ understand this.
Door: [Text.] 220
Graffiti: GeT OFF MY [?]
Millicent Weems: Walk.
Newsstand: [Text.] NEWS
Millicent Weems: As the people who adore you stop adoring you. As they die. As they move on.
Book Cover: [Text.]
Dr. Madeline Gravis
i don’t
feel well
today.
Dr. Madeline Gravis i don’t feel well today.
i don’t feel well today.
Millicent Weems: As you shed them. As you shed your beauty, your youth. As the world forgets you.
Golf Cart: [Text.] Club Car
Millicent Weems: As you recognize your transience. As you begin to lose your characteristics, one by one. As you learn there is no one watching you, an’ there never was. You think only about driving. Not coming from any place. Not arriving any place. Jus’ driving. Counting off time. Now you are here. It’s seven forty-three. Now you are here. It’s seven forty-four. Now you are.. gone.
Wall: [Text.] 146
Caden Cotard: Where is every body?
Mother: Mos’ly dead. Some have left.
Caden Cotard: Eh would you sit wi’ me for a moment, ’cause I’m-I’m very tired, an’-an’ lonely.
Mother: Ah.
Caden Cotard: Feel like I know you.
Mother: Well I was the um mother in Ellen’s dream.
IQ: Dream / picnic / FLUOROSTATIN TR© commercial.
Caden Cotard: Yes. You seem a bit a bit older than I remember.
Mother: That dream was quite a while ago.
Millicent Weems: Apologize.
Caden Cotard: I didn’ mean to say you looked old. I-I. There’s every one’s dreams in all those apartments. Ahh. All o’those thoughts we never know. That’s-that’s the truth of it.
Clock: [Text. Clockwise from top.] 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Caden Cotard: I-I wan’ed t’do that picnic with my daughter. I feel like I’ve disappointed you terribly.
Mother: Oh no. I am so proud of you.
Millicent Weems: Ask her if you can put your head on ’er shoulder.
Caden Cotard: Can I lay my head on your shoulder?
Mother: Yes. Mm.
Caden Cotard: I love you.
Mother: I love you too.
Caden Cotard: I know how t’do this play now. I ’ve an idea. I think. If every—
Millicent Weems: Die.
Jazz Singer: I’m just a little personn, one.. personn in a sea, of many little people who are not awaare of mee. I do my little job, an’ live my little life, eat my little meeals, miss my little kid an’ wife. An’ some where maybe some dayy, maybe some where far awayy, I’ll find a second little person, who will look at mee an’ sayy.. I know you, you’re the one.. I’ve waited forr. Let’s have some funn. Life is precious, ev’ry minute, an’ morre precious with youu in it, so let’s have some funn. I’m glad I founnd you, like hangin’ ’round you. You’re the one.. I like the besst. Some where maybe some day, maybe some where far awayy. Some where maybe some day, maybe some where farr awayy. Some where maybe some day, maybe some where far awayy, I’ll meet a second little person, an’ we’ll go out an’ playy.
IQ: Geez Loufuckinouise dude.
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